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Post by Ramona on Feb 7, 2005 8:24:04 GMT -8
"It was a beautiful morning (comma[,]) the grass was wet with dew from yesterday(apostrophe for possession['s]) shower. The sun was shining brightly. There seemed nothing amiss-(you shouldn't have a period adn start a new sentence here, the hyphen is to show you're breaking off from the subject matter of your sentence, therefore it should all be the same sentence [...amiss-wait...])wait(comma[,]) let me start from the beginning. It was spring. New life was everywhere(comma[,] unless you want a sentence fragment) even in wolf packs. A female wolf named Kira(comma [,]) mated to a male wolf named Blake(comma[,]) was having a pup. It was an odd little pup. It had unique colors and one blue and one brown eye (you might want to shorten that sentence for the sake of brevity there.) Kira named him Axel. She wanted (it just sounded better that way) a unique name for a unique pup. Kira and Blake were overjoyed. Yet the pack (comma[,]) however (comma[,]) had a slightly different mood about Axel."
Hope that helped, PM me if it's confusing, which it probably is.
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Post by Ramona on Feb 6, 2005 16:52:44 GMT -8
There needs to be some grammar adjustments, I give it a 6/10 overall.
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Post by Ramona on Feb 5, 2005 14:11:23 GMT -8
I liked the style you wrote it in, and it was a good short story. It had a nice little plot and a great innocence kind of feel to it. Very good.
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Post by Ramona on Nov 10, 2005 8:10:56 GMT -8
Has Sparks been around lately? I'd like to ask her first.
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Post by Ramona on Nov 9, 2005 7:50:32 GMT -8
Yes, it toally deserves the recognition.
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Post by Ramona on Nov 8, 2005 8:12:20 GMT -8
As always I continue to worship your talent. This was great, so much emotion and the way you described your feelings made me feel them, too.
Ramona
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Post by Ramona on Jan 22, 2005 15:02:48 GMT -8
That was an wicked awesome piece. I loved the different analogies you drew and the way you used words in unusual (good thing) ways. It was sad, and it had underlying tones of romance, but you twisted in a simplicity that made it so primitively unique, and easy to understand. The descriptiojns were right on, and your choice of language excellent.
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Post by Ramona on Dec 21, 2004 9:24:26 GMT -8
That was beautiful. There's only one suggestions I have to make, and the story would be just fine without it. Maybe, instead of saying "they're grim," you could just leave the sentence at one word. "Grim." It just seems like it might have more impact that way. Either way it's absolutely beautiful.
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Post by Ramona on Dec 20, 2004 12:54:30 GMT -8
It's interesting. There are some good imagery phrases in there. Though I can't really give a positive or negative reaction without more than just a paragraph. The title did draw me in, though.
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Post by Ramona on Dec 21, 2004 9:50:05 GMT -8
That was good. Wicked ending. Wicked...in a sad way. I really felt for the child, though.
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Post by Ramona on Nov 10, 2005 8:08:46 GMT -8
Well, I think it's a really cool story and I've always loved twist endings like that. Thanks for your permission!
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Post by Ramona on Nov 8, 2005 8:06:29 GMT -8
Ha ha, thanks, did you see that Twiggy McKoolshirt guy said "humdiddling." Isn't that cool? Humdiddling. That is an outrageous word.
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Post by Ramona on Nov 7, 2005 14:47:08 GMT -8
My resourcefullness is never-ending, ha ha.
Most definitely, it's a great story.
Ramona
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Post by Ramona on Nov 7, 2005 14:38:00 GMT -8
Oh yeah, sorry.
I explained in some other posts. I was on a computer at school then and the 'O' button was stuck and it wouldn't type on that certain computer so instead of omitting all the 'O's I just used the '0.'
Hee hee.
Ramona
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Post by Ramona on Nov 7, 2005 9:18:50 GMT -8
"He smiled back while he untangled himself from his Toy Story sheets." 'Untangled' really brings this image to life.
"...as it departed down the street. They didn’t wave back." The impact 0f that last sentence is great.
"Susan flashed her an empty smile and left without a word." I l0ve the way this st0ry seems to be going. 'Empty smile,' fantastic.
"...she sat away from the other mothers..." Very nice foreshadowing.
"She scraped three plates clean, methodically." Maybe change t0 "She meth0dically scraped three plates clean." I like h0w y0u used the w0rd meth0dically, it makes it feel like this is just a settled r0utine.
0HMYGAWD! I s0 didn't see that c0ming. The awes0meness 0f the ending is causing me t0 revert t0 unintelligent typing. W0w, I really really really l0ved this! May I put it in the Hall 0f Fame? This st0ry is s0 disc0ncerting and it makes y0u think. I had n0 idea what was g0ing 0n when y0u began t0 describe her emptying 0ut the uneaten lunches and 0ther meals. W0w. Superb, excellent, marvel0us, AWES0ME!
Ram0na
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