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Post by doggiefreak on Feb 6, 2005 16:49:33 GMT -8
This is how it is so far:
It was a beautiful morning the grass was wet with dew from the yesterday shower. The sun was shining brightly. There seemed nothing amiss-. Wait let me start from the beginning. It was spring. New life was everywhere. Even in wolf packs. A female wolf named Kira mated to a male wolf named Blake was having a pup. It was an odd little pup. It had unique colors and one blue and one brown eye. Kira named him Axel. She thought of a unique name for a unique pup. Kira and Blake were overjoyed. Yet the pack how ever had a slightly different mood about Axel.
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Post by doggiefreak on Feb 6, 2005 16:51:10 GMT -8
So can u rate it so far? (it's my first 1) I know it needs detail
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Post by Ramona on Feb 6, 2005 16:52:44 GMT -8
There needs to be some grammar adjustments, I give it a 6/10 overall.
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Post by doggiefreak on Feb 6, 2005 16:55:51 GMT -8
thankz
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Post by Ramona on Feb 7, 2005 8:24:04 GMT -8
"It was a beautiful morning (comma[,]) the grass was wet with dew from yesterday(apostrophe for possession['s]) shower. The sun was shining brightly. There seemed nothing amiss-(you shouldn't have a period adn start a new sentence here, the hyphen is to show you're breaking off from the subject matter of your sentence, therefore it should all be the same sentence [...amiss-wait...])wait(comma[,]) let me start from the beginning. It was spring. New life was everywhere(comma[,] unless you want a sentence fragment) even in wolf packs. A female wolf named Kira(comma [,]) mated to a male wolf named Blake(comma[,]) was having a pup. It was an odd little pup. It had unique colors and one blue and one brown eye (you might want to shorten that sentence for the sake of brevity there.) Kira named him Axel. She wanted (it just sounded better that way) a unique name for a unique pup. Kira and Blake were overjoyed. Yet the pack (comma[,]) however (comma[,]) had a slightly different mood about Axel."
Hope that helped, PM me if it's confusing, which it probably is.
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Post by mswrite on Nov 17, 2005 19:24:34 GMT -8
I agree with all of Ramona's adjustments, but the last sentece doesn't need both "yet" and "however". It's redundant. You could try:
"The pack, however, had a slightly different mood about Axel."
"Yet the pack had a slightly different mood about Axel."
"However, the pack had a slightly different mood about Axel."
I like either one with "however" the best, but at that point it's basically personal preference.
I give it 5/10.
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