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Is
Feb 7, 2005 17:08:47 GMT -8
Post by Ramona on Feb 7, 2005 17:08:47 GMT -8
Wrote this a while ago, but kept forgetting to post it here. As always, comments and suggestions are appreciated greatly. ----- She is Dancing with the sun in the midst of autumn rain He is Watching as she waltzes forever in his brain They are Flashing back to rainy days when their smiles broke the gray
She is Crying in the shafts of sun dappling the ground He is Converting all her salty tears into a better sound They are Dreaming of past gloomy days when they thought of now
She is Laughing in the presence of ever-slowing time He is Cherishing her lyrical voice and its singsong chime They are Remembering days once spent with memories intertwined
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Post by Ramona on May 29, 2005 7:09:07 GMT -8
Kind of creepy, but I think that only made it better. I love the end, but I think the phrase 'tender blood tears' was a bit much. That' s just me, though. If you like it, then keep rocking it.
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Post by Ramona on Jan 11, 2005 16:23:04 GMT -8
This was such an awesome poem and we'll ignore the fact that I just found a piece of tortilla in my keyboard. Feeding Fornits. Anyways, not only do I love teh word euphoria, but the connections to Alice in Wonderland were especially nifty (ignore my dorky vocabulary) and all the descriptive phrases worked well here. What I really love about it is that it's kind of a fast-paced poem, keeps your mind spinning, and just when you think it might be coming to a point, it throws another phrase at you. Rock on.
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You
May 29, 2005 7:14:14 GMT -8
Post by Ramona on May 29, 2005 7:14:14 GMT -8
A lot of your poems follow around the same format. This poem was about a topic that's a bit overused, but it was still pretty good poem.
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Post by Ramona on May 29, 2005 7:25:01 GMT -8
I'm not sure where Dafne's Daisy ties in in that poem The other thing is all your poems follow almost the same format, and it's getting a bit monotonous, I think you should mix it up a little. Now, to the crit on this poem: I like the 'he didn't know the meaning of the word/' line and the end of this poem, but I think the poem would be bette if you extended on it a little more.
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Post by Ramona on May 30, 2005 18:22:31 GMT -8
Yeah, I actually was struck by inspiration while reading the SpamBlocker- confusing jumble at the end of a piece of junk mail. It said 'Screaming October' and I was like, hey, that's an awesome phrase. Then I was immediately reminded of my first boyfriend.
Thanks for the crit!
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Post by Ramona on May 29, 2005 7:15:23 GMT -8
Thank youl I thought about extending it, and now I think I might.
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Post by Ramona on May 28, 2005 11:38:29 GMT -8
I've grown bold again and decided to post another of my non-rhyming efforts. ----- It was October. A time for clever guises, A time of rain and stained promises. You asked me and I said yes.
Don’t think I don’t remember.
Because I can’t forget.
I didn’t mean for it not to mean anything, I’m sorry that it didn’t. I had to let you know. For a while when you smiled, I remembered I liked you. Now when you smile, I remember that we’re through.
Sometimes it makes me scream. I scream inside, I scream through my eyes, I scream.
I scream October.
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Post by Ramona on Feb 7, 2005 17:25:53 GMT -8
It was kind of overused, but not in poem form. Good rhyming scheme.
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Post by Ramona on May 29, 2005 7:04:56 GMT -8
It's a lot better, now, but the rainbow belly thing I don't get. Maybe I'm just 'tarded. Anyway, it's really good.
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Post by Ramona on May 28, 2005 17:26:53 GMT -8
I figured you were aiming for that, I wasn't suggesting you remove the rainbow comments, just to expand on them a bit. And you're welcome.
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Post by Ramona on May 28, 2005 11:08:43 GMT -8
teh whole poem seemed kind of Care-Bear-ish because of the tie to rainbows. I think it would've been better if there was more in between each mention of rainbows. I mean, you said you wanted it to be about embracing individuality and loveing everyone, so why not include everyone. 'Cause this way it sounds like...well, Care Bears...which freak me out, they're creepy little things.
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Post by Ramona on Feb 7, 2005 17:16:36 GMT -8
It was beautiful...in a morbid way. Liked the formatting, an the choice of words was exquisite. The only thing I would change would be 'jugular.' It just seemed to break the flow of the poem, to me. Maybe you could change it to 'artery.' Just a suggestion, either way it's fantastic.
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Julie
May 28, 2005 11:00:00 GMT -8
Post by Ramona on May 28, 2005 11:00:00 GMT -8
Thanks, I would have it a free-verse poem, but I just don't think very many of my free-verse efforts are very good, though I guess forcing it to rhyme is worse. Thanks again.
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Julie
May 27, 2005 18:24:03 GMT -8
Post by Ramona on May 27, 2005 18:24:03 GMT -8
I just finished writing this, and I think i9t's a nice, simple, raw emotion-y, little poem. ----- Jules, what I meant wasn’t what I said, I’d fallen for you heels over head, I tried to say it, but it came out wrong, I didn’t mean to string you along.
I’m sorry for all the things that I know, I’m sorry for everything even though, Most of it was your fault for lying, I’m sorry that my words left you crying.
I think, Julie, that through it all, My heart will still heed your call, I feel you tug at the ends of my soul, I think that you’re my self control.
All I’ve known, I’ve known through you, All I’ve seen, I’ve seen from your view, All I do, I do for your sake, All I feel, are feelings you make.
Julie, I’d love to make it all go away, But sometimes I just don’t know what to say, Forever, for always, honest and for true, You know that I will always love you.
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