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Post by Ramona on May 14, 2006 18:21:29 GMT -8
I think it's fun just the way it is, but if there's something you want to change after I post it, just let me know. And sorry I took so long to get back to you on that.
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Post by Ramona on May 10, 2006 19:34:40 GMT -8
I really like this. The imagery is great because you hused som familiar images but gave them a twist. My favorite line: "Forget about the tears and the clothes that we shed." HoF?
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Post by Ramona on Mar 14, 2006 8:46:14 GMT -8
First stanza was very nice, but the second stanza got kind of cliche. Fifth stanza is brilliant. The ending is also fantastic. All in all, this was a great piece.
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Post by Ramona on Feb 1, 2006 8:53:59 GMT -8
Cool, because i think there were some really awesome parts in there.
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Post by Ramona on Jan 31, 2006 9:28:50 GMT -8
Cause you must go. "Must" seems out of place here because the rest of the first stanza is more casual in tone.
Please just let me know. No more secrets or lies About yourself. Don't, Don't hide from me. I can help you, baby. Please don't scream. I LOVE how you transition to "please don't scream" here, it's kind of sudden, but it's a subtle surprise.
Id love to break the silence But I know, But I know I can't. Very nice work here. Beautiful.
So I can dry your tears. So I can get rid of your fears. So I can be your angel. So I can speak to you. So I know what's wrong now, these lines all seem kind of overused to me.
I know you cry. Nice. Humanizing.
I'm amazed at how much you've improved since you first joined this forum.
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Post by Ramona on Feb 8, 2006 9:09:27 GMT -8
I really love the third stanza.
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Post by Ramona on Jan 31, 2006 9:25:44 GMT -8
Yes, I also must disagree, "so beautiful so wild" is just such a beautiful and wild line (ha ha, sorry, I couldn't resist...)
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Post by Ramona on Jan 21, 2006 18:50:42 GMT -8
I actually like this the way it is, it's cute but it has a level that's deepr than just "cute." And I can relate to it, especially the last three lines in teh fourth stanza. Anyway, I'm not sure if I can help with this one, because it seems like it's something pretty personal to you. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful.
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Post by Ramona on Jan 12, 2006 8:54:50 GMT -8
I liked this a lot. The idea of the line behindTHEmask mentioned was very nice, but it was somewhat awkward.
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Why
Jan 12, 2006 9:03:35 GMT -8
Post by Ramona on Jan 12, 2006 9:03:35 GMT -8
Urg, I have again realized that I said the exact same thing as queen of rain.
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Why
Jan 12, 2006 9:02:25 GMT -8
Post by Ramona on Jan 12, 2006 9:02:25 GMT -8
The chorus is very nice, but I do think I've seen better from you. I usually like your work but this one is a bit off.
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Post by Ramona on Nov 30, 2005 9:25:02 GMT -8
Yes. Sometimes you have to use a different medium for letting your feelings out.
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Post by Ramona on Nov 29, 2005 16:29:15 GMT -8
Yeah, I understand that. I know I've done that before.
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Post by Ramona on Nov 28, 2005 16:11:39 GMT -8
I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I'm not really feeling this one.
I think maybe it's the fact that it's and angry song, but the anger doesn't really seem to work with it, but, like I said, maybe it's just me.
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Post by Ramona on Jan 12, 2006 9:06:49 GMT -8
Yeah, no problem, but I think you should thank me more for not trying any harder, ha ha. It would've been bad. "Emo Army" that's funny.
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