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Post by Ramona on Nov 7, 2005 9:37:12 GMT -8
AH! I l0ve y0ur username 0n here!
Ram0na
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Post by Ramona on Mar 17, 2006 9:00:14 GMT -8
Well it depends which way you go with this Seth guy, if you're going to make him the leader of some big conspiracy or something that somehow involves Sykes, then, yes, it would be cliche. But if this is just another job for Sykes and the main conflict of the plot lies somewhere else, then no.
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Post by Ramona on Mar 16, 2006 9:03:03 GMT -8
this is fantastically written, and it seems like ti's shaping up tpo be a nice story. I definitely would like to see this piece extended. And having read all the books you mentioned, I'm sure it'll be a wierdly awesome piece.
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Post by Ramona on Feb 2, 2006 8:46:16 GMT -8
Alright, cool. So are the gods going to be playing a part in the rest of the story?
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Post by Ramona on Feb 1, 2006 16:00:00 GMT -8
This is good, I like how you talked about the Gods in a modern world, however, are all these story lines going to be confused along the waY? Just a thought.
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Post by Ramona on Jan 21, 2006 18:43:23 GMT -8
Yes, "she sighs for her fears" just doesn't seem right. It's rather awkward.
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Post by Ramona on Jan 19, 2006 9:14:36 GMT -8
Yes, I also have to agree with Robin. It just doesn't seem like a good poem could come out of those lines. But with a writer as talented as you, Confusion, perhaps it is possible.
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Post by Ramona on Jan 13, 2006 10:52:34 GMT -8
I agree with cookies4breakfast, but I think it'd be better in 3rd-person omniscient form, so that you could know more about every character and not just the girl.
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Post by Ramona on Jan 4, 2006 8:45:36 GMT -8
Yes, describing how he's saying it would work, too, if you'd rather have good grammar.
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Post by Ramona on Jan 3, 2006 15:45:38 GMT -8
Yeah, that's why I wasn't sure if there was a reason for it to be there, but if he was holding back anger and talking slowly then you can write it "Now. Let. Me. In." for a complete pause after every word, which isn't grammatically correct either, technically speaking, but I've seen it used before in published work, and it illustrates a point.
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Post by Ramona on Jan 3, 2006 9:00:35 GMT -8
The dialogue is fine, not stiff or anything. But in the last part does "now, let me in" need a comma? I'm really not sure but to me it seems to break the flow, I wouldn't put a pause there if I said it. But perhaps it has good reason to be there.
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Post by Ramona on Jan 3, 2006 9:05:50 GMT -8
I think this could turn out very nicely, it's a great start because you somehow took a much overused storyline (girl who doesn't like fashoin and make-up and wants to do something unconventional) and made it orginal. In this line "I, Rhianne (better known as Randy) Carillons is going to learn to fly. " I believe teh "is" should be "am" and there should be a comma after "Carillons." I'd really love to hear the rest of it.
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Post by Ramona on Feb 15, 2006 9:08:23 GMT -8
Thank you so much. I'm hoping i'll be able to take another look at this soon and finish the actual story part. I'm not sure I can keep up this poetic prose thinng for too long, though. I'll try.
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Post by Ramona on Dec 3, 2005 19:54:51 GMT -8
Thank you so much! The actual verse is: "Did you ever think, As the hearse rolls by, That you may be The next to die?"
So it's an a-b-c-b format, but I just chose to put it in sentence format, though wasn't sure if it would look better that way or in actual verse form.
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Post by Ramona on Nov 27, 2005 18:26:44 GMT -8
OK, I went to a funeral yesterday and I was just inspired (how dark, I know.) Anyway, this is what I have so far, but I'm not sure where I'm taking it, yet. I'd appreciate you letting me know what you think of it before I decide whether I should continue it at all. I promise, though, I'm not usually this morbid. ----- Fear. Do funerals usually make you feel scared? Maybe it’s just the concept. The way funerals always force you to taste your own mortality. Not many people like the flavor. I suppose it’s an acquired taste. It’s like that childhood rhyme, Did you ever think, as the hearse rolls by, that you may be the next to die? It makes you afraid. Afraid to look up into the eyes of the mourning, and witness that tormented, wounded look in their eyes. You’re afraid because you’re sure that if you look into their state of being for too long you’ll get pulled in, too. You’ll get pulled into their minds and suffer sorrow first-hand. They’ll watch you as you fall on your knees screaming out primitive, animal cries. You’ll cry so much that the salty sting of the tears will wear away your face.
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