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Choking
Feb 7, 2005 17:21:14 GMT -8
Post by Ramona on Feb 7, 2005 17:21:14 GMT -8
;D This was a really good poem, I LURVED the way it ended! RAWKAGE!
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Post by Ramona on Jun 25, 2006 14:06:18 GMT -8
Yes, I agree with Queen or Rain. That's the only thing I could come up with. "Gay" just doesn't have the stately sort of feel the rest of the piece does.
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Post by Ramona on Jun 25, 2006 7:53:02 GMT -8
Wow. This was incredibly well written. And your delivery was unexpected and made me feel somewhat disoriented, but like that's how it was supposed to be. I like it that way. And the fact that the main male character is gay really looped me for a throw. I mean, vampire stories are usually somewhat cliche because of the images that people have limited their minds to, but one like this is rare. I really liked it.
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Post by Ramona on Apr 16, 2006 17:40:37 GMT -8
Hmmm, I'd give it a 4/10. To me it's nothing special. The plot really ahsn't developed, yet, though, so maybe it'll be something good. Also, i didn't really like the character, mostly because she seemd like a spoiled rich girl, but perhpas you're going to do something with the character that makes the spoiled-ness all better. Really, it's too early on to tell how well this story is going to shape up.
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Post by Ramona on Mar 23, 2006 18:09:47 GMT -8
Hmmm...I liked this. But if you weren't trying to be funny, then I don't get it. I thought it was funny at first because throughout the dude's letter I kept thinking to myself "this sounds kind of ridiculous," but I wasn't sure whether it was supposed to be serious or not. Then at the end it kind of became OK to think it was ridiculous.
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Post by Ramona on Mar 3, 2006 8:52:59 GMT -8
I mean adding to this one more, and if developing it into something bigger happens that'd be better. This way it's good, but if there were a little bit more of a backstory to it it would be better.
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Post by Ramona on Mar 1, 2006 8:58:55 GMT -8
I liked this a lot, I hthin k it'd be great if you could develop it more, however. The last few paragraphs were beautiful, especially the end. I like how you kept writing that these things the narrator was doing were because he/she thinks Marty would have liked them. And the idea of burning the shrine is great.
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Post by Ramona on Mar 1, 2006 9:07:18 GMT -8
The beginning seemed kind of drawn out, just in those few sentences, you seem to ahve drawn out the action too much. The "Forbidden Fruit" thing is fabulous.
"He tells her that her eyes are starbright, but maybe it's his own reflection he sees in them." This line was great.
This piece overall was beautiful. Especially the end where you tell just enough to make teh reader imagine what's happening without saying it outright.
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Lynn
Feb 9, 2006 18:42:50 GMT -8
Post by Ramona on Feb 9, 2006 18:42:50 GMT -8
Bet your not as bad as my little brother, he literally does not finish his homework until about eight o'clock in teh evening each day. Serious, it's sad.
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Lynn
Feb 9, 2006 9:16:42 GMT -8
Post by Ramona on Feb 9, 2006 9:16:42 GMT -8
I love rainy days! I believe I'll save it for sometime when I'm desperately avoiding my homework.
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Lynn
Jan 2, 2006 16:18:07 GMT -8
Post by Ramona on Jan 2, 2006 16:18:07 GMT -8
I think I might, but I'm not usually very good at getting around to editting what I write. I'm energetically handicapped, ha ha.
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Lynn
Jan 1, 2006 19:13:24 GMT -8
Post by Ramona on Jan 1, 2006 19:13:24 GMT -8
Yeah, I remember that scene, but I really can't remember where I got the idea from, maybe it was there.
Yeah, I noticed that, too, about the choppiness, but like I said, I wrote it a while ago and never bothered to edit it (I ahrdly bother to edit anything, it's a personality flaw.)
Anyway, thank you for your comments.
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Lynn
Jan 1, 2006 19:04:00 GMT -8
Post by Ramona on Jan 1, 2006 19:04:00 GMT -8
OK, this is something I wrote a while ago, that I just now found again. It's very trippy and odd. I don't remember where I got the idea for this. ----- Lynn stumbled into her dorm and heaved a high-pitched giggle. There were little balls bouncing everywhere, but every time she reached out to grab one, they popped like bubbles. She furrowed her brow in frustration and lunged for another cluster of the pretty little pharmaceutically-induced spheres. She tripped over the shoes she didn’t remember kicking off of her feet. This fine example of What Not To Do generated another giddy chortle from Lynn’s muttering lips. She made her way past a smattering of beer cans from several weeks ago. She kept forgetting to get rid of those. Lynn’s drugged mind skipped forward like a scratched CD and she was resting in a creamy hollow. She felt cold, and the hairs on her arms rose from bumps on her skin. funny rough feet y’all want some poppity popcorn sandpipers need a blanket [tuck me in mommy] Her mind wouldn’t function except in a garbled patchwork quilt of feelings and words. Blue thoughts soon papered the walls of her mind and she drifted into a hazy half-sleep. She dreamt an amalgam of half-manufactured memories and colors. ***** Lynn was awakened by a rhythmically occurring coldness on her arm, and tentatively touched the tip of one finger to her skin. The bathtub faucet was leaking again. She was only slightly startled to find that she had awaken in the [creamy hollow]bathtub, but soon knew –if not remembered- why she was there. She couldn’t recall most of her nighttime activities. Lynn smelled a not-so-legal substance on her shirt, and then guessed that her boyfriend had taken her to another party. She attempted to stand and was not surprised when she felt the spread of soreness in her body, especially when considering her choice of accommodations for the night. Lynn hobbled towards toward the sink, banging her knee on the toilet. She touched the knob marked ‘cold’ and froze. She had heard something move down there, down in the drain. Surely the effects of last night’s happenings hadn’t worn off, yet. Lynn faced her reflection, the spray of freckles across her nose, her auburn hair hanging in lank clumps around her sallow face, her brown eyes somehow deadened. Her vibrantly painted fingernails clashed terribly with the pale reality of her skin. She again reached for the knob and cool water flowed smoothly from the sink’s faucet. Bending her face over the sink, Lynn paused. She was sure she had heard something else down there, an extra gurgle, a gurgle that didn’t fit with the monotonous downpour of the tap water. She turned the mildewing knob the opposite direction and bent her head further down to get a closer look. Lynn placed her eye above the drain and looked for some sign of a problem with the plumbing. The faucet rang with the force of Lynn’s head crashing into it at a high speed. She had seen something, something moving. The movement was more sensed than seen, but in either scenario, there was some sort of stir. Lynn turned both taps on at once, thinking that the heavy stream of water would wash away whatever vile insect was lurking in the drain. She listened for any sounds, any rustlings or gurglings that didn’t belong, and soon thought the sink free of all six-legged vermin. What sounded like a thin sob escaped the recesses of the plumbing. “Help me…oh please help me out of this hole…” Lynn wasn’t sure how to react. Thinking that this was only and after-effect of her recreational pharmaceuticals, she splashed herself with cold water from the bathtub. “It’s awful dark down here, I’m afraid of the dark…won’t you please help me?” She tried to convince herself that the drugs hadn’t worn off, yet, that she was still experiencing some form of hallucination. Realistically, Lynn knew that the drugs couldn’t last that long, that her system should have rejected them in her sleep. Fighting back the urge to flee, she forced herself to approach the sink again, and she then lowered her face into the sink. She peered down into the drain, and an eye peered back.
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Post by Ramona on Dec 16, 2005 16:06:16 GMT -8
I think it needs to be more descriptive, have more imagery. This way it seems rather bland, but teh concept is just fantastic.
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Post by Ramona on Nov 16, 2005 8:14:47 GMT -8
Wow, this was just awesome. And the little pro- and epi- logues really fit and they just brought it all together, brought it full circle. I'm totally fascinated by the fact that you used emotions to make it something that isn't cliche, something original. it was great.
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