Dashboard Romantic

[Robin]

I'm not sure what this is. I know it's a short story, but, really, it's...odd. You think it's kind of prose-y at Mike's letter, but when Fiona writes him back it gets confusing. Was I trying to be funny? I don't know.

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Fiona -

I know you’re cheating, and you have been for a long time. Actually, you’ve been in that relationship longer than you’ve been with me, so maybe you’re actually cheating on me, but I don’t know. I was the first one you acknowledged, so I guess maybe I was your first love. Your first human love, I suppose. You went and pulled an Arnie on me, Fiona. Your first love was your car.

I’ve seen you in there, pounding the dashboard, your lips distended and stretching against the words to all the hits on the radio, and all the hits on your CDs. And then you went and listened to Glitter of Love, and when I heard the words “dashboard romantic,” I knew that was you. Who could direct such passion towards their dashboard and not be in love with it? I couldn’t, and we’re so close that I feel like you’re a mirror image of me, so I’m thinking that you couldn’t either. And why should you have to hide your love to your dashboard? Nobody would suspect you were having a love affair with it. I didn’t, not until I heard that Versus song.

You pound the dashboard when I’m there to make me think it’s nothing but an object to you, but I’m positive you sit in the car for hours after you drop me off, stroking it and soothing the bruises you inflicted on it to keep yourself from suffering a similar fate in a car wreck or gang fight or any of the other millions of perils that happen to people like you. You’re so fiery, it’s a wonder nobody’s simply shot you out of spite yet.

Why can’t you be obliging for once?

Oh, you say you’ll be obliging when it counts, but this is where it counts, and I can already see your response. If I asked you to stop this affair with the dashboard, you’d kick me in the balls, spit in my eye, and tell me you’d never fucking stop, even if you had no intention of continuing.

Love hurts, Nazareth said, and for the second time in the past few months I actually believe what songs say. Isn’t it pathetic that I’m sitting here basing my arguments and accusations off of song lyrics? Yes, just as pathetic as you, basing the tempo of your love life on the tempo of songs. Mine’s just a more open kind of pathetic.

So Fiona, I’m sorry, but I think I have to leave you. I can’t be in a relationship with somebody who’ll cheat on me even if they don’t know it yet.

Love,

Mike

P.S. I won’t be mad if you don’t write me back



FIONA’S LETTER BACK TO MIKE

Mike,

What the hell are you talking about?

Is this some guilt trip thing you made up because you feel bad about kissing Alana Mclachlan? If it is, stop it, okay? It’s creeping me out. I forgive you about Alana.

Love,

Fiona

P.S. Come over to my place Saturday, okay?

[Ramona]

Hmmm...I liked this. But if you weren't trying to be funny, then I don't get it. I thought it was funny at first because throughout the dude's letter I kept thinking to myself "this sounds kind of ridiculous," but I wasn't sure whether it was supposed to be serious or not. Then at the end it kind of became OK to think it was ridiculous.

[Robin]

I think I was trying to be funny. I was pretty out of it when I wrote this (I was doped up on Sudafed and Nyquil), but it turned out pretty humorous so I'm assuming that's how I meant it to turn out.

I'm glad you thought it was funny though.

[ScarletMornings]

well, personally, i think this is hilarious. he goes on and on and on and then she just is so short and funny in her response. i love the contrast. i think it's very funny.

[Robin]

Spank you!

The only thing I'm kind of disappointed about is that I didn't get to portray 'dashboard romantic' in a more poetic light. I kind of liked it, but it turned out as comedy, so...that's that.