Post by Sparks on Apr 23, 2005 20:02:47 GMT -8
Or at least read it, but make sure you have time, sorry it's so long, I had a lot to say.
And the grammar is screwy in places.
THIS IS A DISCUSSION! Open your mouths.
9:45pm
Enter: Me, Friday Night, April 15th, 2005, Supposed To Be Watching A Band But Instead, Sitting On Railing In A Park Thinking All Sorts Of Stupid Things.
Me and my jean jacket and plaid scarf and Give Love leather bracelet, we're gunna travel the world. I don't think this little city is big enough for where I want to go anymore.
Someday I'm gunna get into politics and save the environment and uninvent nuclear warheads and make fuel cells mandatory. And fill those oil wells and clean the oceans and fix the shit happening with AIDS in Africa. Because some people have the power to do those things, and instead they fight.
Well I've already decided. I'm sick of it and that's that. Turning 15 this year, that's right. Going into 10th grade. Girl. Loves plaid pants on boys legs and Doc Martens on their feet.
I don't know what kind of Prime Minister I would make but I think I will end up doing something like that. Reading this, you must laugh because, what a joke. But really? If you don't at least think that way, how do you save the world?
When you really think about it we've only got one chance at this thing. If you don't strive to improve conditions, what the hell kind of person are you? I mean, life is probably a mistake anyway, far as I know. So why risk it?
We're taking Astronomy in science class, so I'm really philosophical these days, but I think it's important.
If there's some massive natural godly proton accelerator at the centre of our universe, if there's a black hole that'll swallow us someday, and if our sun is gunna die, and there's a million billion other planets out there, how much do we matter?
Yeah, I thought about this last Friday sitting on that railing during that punk show, looking at the stars. While most of my friends were drunk or high, and I was absolutely sober.
Yes, I'm a bit weird like that. It's who I am I guess.
I love trying to paint pictures like that with words... I can see me sitting on that metal rail, cold because it wasn't very warm, staring up at the clear night sky and half-moon.
I got lost in it, I think. I sat there for probably 10 minutes, didn't say a thing. Didn't move. With my jean jacket and grey jeans, black and bronze studded belt, black T-shirt, and blue two-and-a-half-year-old skateboard shoes. Just kind of stared up at the sky in awe like I'd never seen it before.
I don't know what really came over me but I had the weirdest feeling, as if life... none of it was actually real.
That feeling comes and goes now all the time.
So maybe this is the good old family habit of schizophrenia passed down to me. But maybe it's something that doesn't mean I'm crazy?
It's kind of strange to think that there is something so much bigger going on out there. Earth doesn't matter. Countries don't matter. Economics and politics and divisions don't matter. Cities don't matter. Lives don't matter. I don't matter. You don't matter.
So we all die. So we all live. Or do we? What does living actually mean? Because there's nothing that even shows it. It's a stage of atoms of certain elements, and that's all we are. That is ALL we are.
Energy and atoms. And a bit of luck.
So what the fuck. We don't know the answers to ridiculous questions like, Why the Universe Started, or Is There A God, because it's simply beyond us.
I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid of not living well.
Think about it. Dying. Death. No, not the act of death. If you aren't religious it'll probably be easier to see eye-to-eye with me. But think about it.
"Nothing."
So everything keeps on going like it always has (think huge black universe with little dots of light moving slowly away, and eventually stopping.) Then time doesn't exist. Then NOTHING exists because we are what exist. And if we don't exist, then technically, there isn't anything at all.
But there is, we are just so unnecessary that it will go on without us.
But...how? I don't know. I can't get it: I try, I give up.
I sit on metal rails at punk-rock shows and wonder these things in my little unimportant mind, my five-foot-two-inch body, my thoughts that don't matter and no one will ever hear, and even if they did, it still wouldn't matter, because none of it really does.
So back to this death topic, kids love this one.
There's no future. Can you touch it? Can you taste it? No and no. Future is a lie. Don't believe what they say. How about the past? That's memories. Past doesn't exist. Can you hear it or feel it? No and no. Don't even try to argue - what has happened has happened, but it's not happening, so it isn't real. What we live is the present.
And what makes the present any more real? It is constant change, that's what it really is.
So there's no certain "present", at all. We are just along for the ride and we get dumped, and the present keeps on rolling until the day the universe stops its outward reach and everything gets so far away from each other that absolute zero is achieved and time stops.
Well.
These thoughts are too big for my fifteen-year-old self.
They're too massive to even spend time considering.
Why do I even bother? It bugs the hell out of me.
People were shocked when Darwin was right. And why? We're no "special" species. Just because we can communicate and think and we own this planet...and we murder this planet…none of that means a thing. What means something is that the sun is ABSOLUTELY going to die in four billion some odd years.
How's that? I don't know, but I learned it in science class.
So how do we even believe in a God?
Only I'm going to avoid getting into the topic on religion here. Just for the sake of people reading my ranting.
So where are we, then? On this little planet in the middle of no-fucking-where, trying to live decent lives and be peaceful for God’s sake, because we don’t want to burn in a hell that might not even exist when we die, after a life that may not have happened anyway, anywhere except in our minds that won’t exist forever, so we can pretty much say we were never even here.
That’s comforting, isn’t it. It gives me a great rush to know that life isn’t real. That the moment is actually not real, and that eventually I will be dead.
Now that’s a weird thing to imagine. Being dead. Where you can’t see what’s happening…and yet…it goes on.
I’ve decided I don’t want to die. But that’s not up to me.
So okay. What we have is a confusing-as-hell little miracle here that we call “existence”. The origin of everything is so confusing that I can’t even think about it without getting a headache.
You know what’s fun to think about though, and doesn’t give too many headaches? I lied, it gives many headaches.
Time. Time is a wicked journey.
I have this theory where everything actually happens at once – kind of goes along with my theory of how nothing is really real… I know, I’m one crazy bugger. But really, at least I’m trying, right? I’m sure Newton and Einstein got it wrong a few times before they got it right.
Well, I wouldn’t know how to describe it quite right, but I think I should give it a shot.
So okay. Something happens and it becomes the past.
Did it happen or did it not happen? Everyone will say it did happen. And it’s like catching it on camera – we have proof it happened, but it’s no longer happening.
Except it is. Because this is the moment. And if all we have is the present, then it has to be happening right now.
I actually think I’m getting somewhere with this little philosophy of mine.
They say time is linear. Well, how about this? What if it isn’t linear? We organize our lives day to day, year to year. What if time is just one little point and it just goes on forever changing, instead of being on some ridiculous unimaginably long line?
If you try to imagine it, it can’t be too hard. So the seventies are happening right now. I’m being born right now. It’s just not here and now. It’s there and now. You know, if I knew more about physics and algebra and philosophy and history, I’m sure I could prove this, with stacked dimensions or something else I’ve read about in Scientific American. I actually believe what I’m saying, as far as non-linear time goes.
But I don’t know physics like astrophysicists do. I know how to calculate the missing side of a triangle, and area, volume and perimeter. I know how to calculate speed.
…But unfortunately, I am only fifteen, and all I have is a little wondering brain and thirst to know more.
So there. Maybe I’ll become an astrophysicist and solve some of the world’s problems, like I was originally planning on doing. I’ll bet politics isn’t my thing, after all. I mean, I think nose piercings are godly on boys my age…I don’t know what kind of politician I would be.
I sound kind of insane when I go on and on about this, but there’s so much I don’t understand, it drives me nuts. I wish I knew. All I can really do is speculate. If anyone gets anything out of my rambling, I’ll be unbelievably happy.
Not knowing is the reason our world is in chaos. I think it’d do everyone some good to have closure on things like The Origin Of The Universe, and Is There A God.
We could all use it.
So…you’re probably agreed that it’s time to send me to the psych ward.
I will be very impressed if anyone actually read the whole thing.
I couldn’t stop writing, I apologize for the length.
Tell me what you think.
Cheers.
<3
And the grammar is screwy in places.
THIS IS A DISCUSSION! Open your mouths.
9:45pm
Enter: Me, Friday Night, April 15th, 2005, Supposed To Be Watching A Band But Instead, Sitting On Railing In A Park Thinking All Sorts Of Stupid Things.
Me and my jean jacket and plaid scarf and Give Love leather bracelet, we're gunna travel the world. I don't think this little city is big enough for where I want to go anymore.
Someday I'm gunna get into politics and save the environment and uninvent nuclear warheads and make fuel cells mandatory. And fill those oil wells and clean the oceans and fix the shit happening with AIDS in Africa. Because some people have the power to do those things, and instead they fight.
Well I've already decided. I'm sick of it and that's that. Turning 15 this year, that's right. Going into 10th grade. Girl. Loves plaid pants on boys legs and Doc Martens on their feet.
I don't know what kind of Prime Minister I would make but I think I will end up doing something like that. Reading this, you must laugh because, what a joke. But really? If you don't at least think that way, how do you save the world?
When you really think about it we've only got one chance at this thing. If you don't strive to improve conditions, what the hell kind of person are you? I mean, life is probably a mistake anyway, far as I know. So why risk it?
We're taking Astronomy in science class, so I'm really philosophical these days, but I think it's important.
If there's some massive natural godly proton accelerator at the centre of our universe, if there's a black hole that'll swallow us someday, and if our sun is gunna die, and there's a million billion other planets out there, how much do we matter?
Yeah, I thought about this last Friday sitting on that railing during that punk show, looking at the stars. While most of my friends were drunk or high, and I was absolutely sober.
Yes, I'm a bit weird like that. It's who I am I guess.
I love trying to paint pictures like that with words... I can see me sitting on that metal rail, cold because it wasn't very warm, staring up at the clear night sky and half-moon.
I got lost in it, I think. I sat there for probably 10 minutes, didn't say a thing. Didn't move. With my jean jacket and grey jeans, black and bronze studded belt, black T-shirt, and blue two-and-a-half-year-old skateboard shoes. Just kind of stared up at the sky in awe like I'd never seen it before.
I don't know what really came over me but I had the weirdest feeling, as if life... none of it was actually real.
That feeling comes and goes now all the time.
So maybe this is the good old family habit of schizophrenia passed down to me. But maybe it's something that doesn't mean I'm crazy?
It's kind of strange to think that there is something so much bigger going on out there. Earth doesn't matter. Countries don't matter. Economics and politics and divisions don't matter. Cities don't matter. Lives don't matter. I don't matter. You don't matter.
So we all die. So we all live. Or do we? What does living actually mean? Because there's nothing that even shows it. It's a stage of atoms of certain elements, and that's all we are. That is ALL we are.
Energy and atoms. And a bit of luck.
So what the fuck. We don't know the answers to ridiculous questions like, Why the Universe Started, or Is There A God, because it's simply beyond us.
I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid of not living well.
Think about it. Dying. Death. No, not the act of death. If you aren't religious it'll probably be easier to see eye-to-eye with me. But think about it.
"Nothing."
So everything keeps on going like it always has (think huge black universe with little dots of light moving slowly away, and eventually stopping.) Then time doesn't exist. Then NOTHING exists because we are what exist. And if we don't exist, then technically, there isn't anything at all.
But there is, we are just so unnecessary that it will go on without us.
But...how? I don't know. I can't get it: I try, I give up.
I sit on metal rails at punk-rock shows and wonder these things in my little unimportant mind, my five-foot-two-inch body, my thoughts that don't matter and no one will ever hear, and even if they did, it still wouldn't matter, because none of it really does.
So back to this death topic, kids love this one.
There's no future. Can you touch it? Can you taste it? No and no. Future is a lie. Don't believe what they say. How about the past? That's memories. Past doesn't exist. Can you hear it or feel it? No and no. Don't even try to argue - what has happened has happened, but it's not happening, so it isn't real. What we live is the present.
And what makes the present any more real? It is constant change, that's what it really is.
So there's no certain "present", at all. We are just along for the ride and we get dumped, and the present keeps on rolling until the day the universe stops its outward reach and everything gets so far away from each other that absolute zero is achieved and time stops.
Well.
These thoughts are too big for my fifteen-year-old self.
They're too massive to even spend time considering.
Why do I even bother? It bugs the hell out of me.
People were shocked when Darwin was right. And why? We're no "special" species. Just because we can communicate and think and we own this planet...and we murder this planet…none of that means a thing. What means something is that the sun is ABSOLUTELY going to die in four billion some odd years.
How's that? I don't know, but I learned it in science class.
So how do we even believe in a God?
Only I'm going to avoid getting into the topic on religion here. Just for the sake of people reading my ranting.
So where are we, then? On this little planet in the middle of no-fucking-where, trying to live decent lives and be peaceful for God’s sake, because we don’t want to burn in a hell that might not even exist when we die, after a life that may not have happened anyway, anywhere except in our minds that won’t exist forever, so we can pretty much say we were never even here.
That’s comforting, isn’t it. It gives me a great rush to know that life isn’t real. That the moment is actually not real, and that eventually I will be dead.
Now that’s a weird thing to imagine. Being dead. Where you can’t see what’s happening…and yet…it goes on.
I’ve decided I don’t want to die. But that’s not up to me.
So okay. What we have is a confusing-as-hell little miracle here that we call “existence”. The origin of everything is so confusing that I can’t even think about it without getting a headache.
You know what’s fun to think about though, and doesn’t give too many headaches? I lied, it gives many headaches.
Time. Time is a wicked journey.
I have this theory where everything actually happens at once – kind of goes along with my theory of how nothing is really real… I know, I’m one crazy bugger. But really, at least I’m trying, right? I’m sure Newton and Einstein got it wrong a few times before they got it right.
Well, I wouldn’t know how to describe it quite right, but I think I should give it a shot.
So okay. Something happens and it becomes the past.
Did it happen or did it not happen? Everyone will say it did happen. And it’s like catching it on camera – we have proof it happened, but it’s no longer happening.
Except it is. Because this is the moment. And if all we have is the present, then it has to be happening right now.
I actually think I’m getting somewhere with this little philosophy of mine.
They say time is linear. Well, how about this? What if it isn’t linear? We organize our lives day to day, year to year. What if time is just one little point and it just goes on forever changing, instead of being on some ridiculous unimaginably long line?
If you try to imagine it, it can’t be too hard. So the seventies are happening right now. I’m being born right now. It’s just not here and now. It’s there and now. You know, if I knew more about physics and algebra and philosophy and history, I’m sure I could prove this, with stacked dimensions or something else I’ve read about in Scientific American. I actually believe what I’m saying, as far as non-linear time goes.
But I don’t know physics like astrophysicists do. I know how to calculate the missing side of a triangle, and area, volume and perimeter. I know how to calculate speed.
…But unfortunately, I am only fifteen, and all I have is a little wondering brain and thirst to know more.
So there. Maybe I’ll become an astrophysicist and solve some of the world’s problems, like I was originally planning on doing. I’ll bet politics isn’t my thing, after all. I mean, I think nose piercings are godly on boys my age…I don’t know what kind of politician I would be.
I sound kind of insane when I go on and on about this, but there’s so much I don’t understand, it drives me nuts. I wish I knew. All I can really do is speculate. If anyone gets anything out of my rambling, I’ll be unbelievably happy.
Not knowing is the reason our world is in chaos. I think it’d do everyone some good to have closure on things like The Origin Of The Universe, and Is There A God.
We could all use it.
So…you’re probably agreed that it’s time to send me to the psych ward.
I will be very impressed if anyone actually read the whole thing.
I couldn’t stop writing, I apologize for the length.
Tell me what you think.
Cheers.
<3
