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Post by Queen of Rain on Feb 7, 2005 13:29:11 GMT -8
Such sensual gesture
The touch of her throat
Touch so vulnerable
How morbid life can be
Live to see the sky
Turn from dark to rouge
Living for the daylight
How morbid life can be
When you look at the sky
There is no moon
So very red her lips
Their passionate loving
Such sensitive power
He holds in his hand
Vulnerability
Makes dark
Marks
So easily the hidden structure
He turns to two pieces
Out of passionate loving
Such sensual touch
Going for the jugular
How morbid love can be
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Post by Ramona on Feb 7, 2005 17:16:36 GMT -8
It was beautiful...in a morbid way. Liked the formatting, an the choice of words was exquisite. The only thing I would change would be 'jugular.' It just seemed to break the flow of the poem, to me. Maybe you could change it to 'artery.' Just a suggestion, either way it's fantastic.
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Post by behindTHEmask on Feb 7, 2005 18:27:53 GMT -8
That was extremely beautiful.
"So easily the hidden structure
He turns to two pieces
Out of passionate loving
Such sensual touch
Going for the jugular
How morbid love can be"
Favorite part.
Excellent job.
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Post by Queen of Rain on Feb 8, 2005 10:14:56 GMT -8
thank you.. i ponder over the jugular... cos i like its symbolic value, and also its diction i slightly inspired by a novel by joyce carol oates and from there comes "going for the jugular"... but ill see if i can fix my rhyth somehow..
im glad you like my disturbing poems, im right now attempting to become less naive in my poetry and therefore its a lot of things liek this produced..
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Post by Pseudomuse on Feb 10, 2005 9:48:28 GMT -8
i like this poem very much. good job. i think the first line would have more umph if it read Such the sensual gesture. it sounds better in my head that way.
keep it up, lurf PM
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Post by ScarletMornings on Jun 22, 2005 23:04:56 GMT -8
wow! i don't know how i missed this before, but i love it! you can find a lot of great poetry u missed by going thru the older pages. I love the jugular part. It was such a sensual, bittersweet poem. i love it!
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Post by Confusion on Jun 23, 2005 8:50:40 GMT -8
this is realli nice!!!! i think this genre of poetry is the one you are best at writing about!! good job
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Post by Queen of Rain on Jun 26, 2005 0:36:52 GMT -8
this was the first lawrentian poem i wrote where i realised THIS is how i shoudl write... thanks for the comments on it..
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Post by Confusion on Jun 26, 2005 9:35:07 GMT -8
yea, you have a definate skill for this genre!!!
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Post by ScarletMornings on Jun 26, 2005 11:39:32 GMT -8
i definetely agree. i love reading your stuff. it's always very original, and definetely sensual. lol
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Post by Queen of Rain on Jun 26, 2005 12:59:01 GMT -8
thank.. poetry is the only genre i write in nowadays... but im glad my writings are appreicated..
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