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Post by behindTHEmask on Jan 9, 2006 17:10:13 GMT -8
Well, not exactly educate, but aid me in this. 50 words for sophomores on the question "Where does the truth lie?"
My response:
Truth lies in the iris of color subjective to opinions of vocabulary gone wrong. Perspective’s misleading, bleeding colorless laughs and tinted cries conjured for sympathy. Morals and judgment define p through e embellishing dedication. If you’re right, I’m right, and everybody’s wrong. The truth lies in somewhere in between conceptions.
Bolded part too cliche? Be honest, please.
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Post by Robin on Jan 9, 2006 17:14:50 GMT -8
The bolded part is a little too flowery for the rest of the piece. It's kind of cliche, but it's not like DATS WIGHT, WABBIT cliche. It's probably the words "bleeding" that conjures the cliche image to you, even though the context it's used in isn't cliche at all. If an artist says "oh, damn. This paint's bleeding through the paper again," would you call him or her cliche and/or pretentious? No, of course not. It's all about context, and you used the correct context here. It's not like 'omgz my rists r bleeding' bleeding. It's not cliche.
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Post by behindTHEmask on Jan 9, 2006 17:17:18 GMT -8
Do you have any suggestions I could use to better that part? I've crossed it out three or four times.
It started:
Perspective's misleading breathing inandout, upordown, in an unbreakable pattern conjured for sympathy.
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Post by Robin on Jan 9, 2006 17:33:22 GMT -8
The one you just posted is a lot less flowery, and it fits with the style of the piece a lot better. It just doesn't have the eloquence of the rest of the piece.
I really don't know how you could edit this.
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Post by cry,crayola. on Jan 12, 2006 16:47:20 GMT -8
yeah, i don't really know how you'd change it.
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Post by behindTHEmask on Jan 13, 2006 15:59:34 GMT -8
It's okay. He liked it the way it was.
Now I edited even more.
But I still have to edit it one more time.
But it's all good.
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