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Post by Confusion on Dec 3, 2006 9:12:40 GMT -8
Anywhere; everywhere
Here, from now on
today
Forever more
Let all bear witness:
No more hiding
No more fears
Just you
Just me
The same - as one
Forget false sweetness
Don't bore me with endearment or
Suffocate on lullabies
Take my hand
With gentle fingers; for
Who knew soft
Was ever this soft
Go all the places
We went before;
For today they are new
Just you
Just me
US
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Post by Confusion on Dec 3, 2006 9:14:30 GMT -8
i know this is probably very very cheesy!.. just written on the spur of the moment... all comments very much appreciated!
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Post by Confusion on Dec 5, 2006 8:46:07 GMT -8
please someone comment!!! this poem is about something really important to me and i would really like to know what people make of it!
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Post by cry,crayola. on Dec 5, 2006 15:28:06 GMT -8
it may just be that i'm drugged up on cold medicine, so my senses aren't too keen, but this seemed like there wasn't a terrible amount of emotion. it passively kind of flowed. i liked all of your phrases and idea, but it you could find a way to make it stand out, that'd make it even better.
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Post by Confusion on Dec 7, 2006 9:38:53 GMT -8
thanks for your comment! i understand what you mean.. id like to try and improve on it abit.
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Post by Confusion on Dec 7, 2006 9:45:40 GMT -8
ive edited it a bit, still not happy with ti though, and i really don't like the last stanza. please please comment, all comments very much appreciated!!!
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Post by ScarletMornings on Dec 12, 2006 20:46:49 GMT -8
your two stanzas
"Forget false sweetness
Don't bore me with endearment or
Suffocate on lullabies
Take my hand
With gentle fingers; for
Who knew soft
Was ever this soft"
are very well written, good diction and imagery. however, the rest of the poem, like cookies said, is just kind of a passive flow of words that don't stand out. work on your word usage in those parts, try and liven it up and use more exciting words, and I think this would be a very quality poem.
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Post by ScarletMornings on Dec 12, 2006 20:47:36 GMT -8
I also liked the phrase "Let all bear witness:"
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