Closed

[ScarletMornings]

this is just an idea i'm working with. crit and suggestions por favor? or do you like it the way it is??

I was walking in the rain one day
strolling through a garden in a downpour
slitting my eyes against the drops falling off my eyelashes

the couple under the umbrella in front of me
was whispering and laughing
and they stared deeply into each others' misted eyes

they reminded me I once heard someone say
the eyes are the window to the soul
I glance uneasily around for you
thankfully for my pride you’re nowhere

but still I keep them closed

[cry,crayola.]

all i can think of now is that i don't think you should put the last line in italics. i think it'd be much better without. i kind of like it the way it is, but at the same time want more. you know when you finish a book and you're left sitting there like "that's it?" and then you realize theres not much left for it to have gone anyways. it feels empty but it was nessesary? i kind of feel that way for this.

i love the third line and the words 'misted eyes.'
yeah.

[ScarletMornings]

well the reason i only put two things in italics was because they made the phrase i was trying to get across "the eyes are the window to the soul- i keep them closed" and i didn't really want this to be a lengthy descriptive poem. i was just trying for a simplistic setting to get across a simplie message. sigh. i guess it didn't work.

[cry,crayola.]

i just think it'd be better straitforward. or do something like.
but, my soul still secret,
my eyes remain closed.

?

[ScarletMornings]

well i really wanted to just do "the eyes are the window to the soul (i keep them closed)" but i didn't really know how to incorporate it exactly like that. i just wanted to give a slight story for the reader to take and imagine, i guess that had to do with that phrase because i love it.

[cry,crayola.]

i'm not sure about suggestions for that one. what you could do is replace 'but still' with 'reluctantly'. maybe because i like that word better. i'm not sure if it'd work imagery wise though.

[ScarletMornings]

well i said "but still" to get the impression that even though she doesn't see him around anywhere, she keeps her eyes closed/soul shuttered just in case.

[cry,crayola.]

mkay, but i'm still not for the italics in the last line. maybe if the whole line was italicized that could work. i'm not sure.