Jimmy

[Ramona]

I'm not sure about the entire first stanza or the poem, for that matter.

-----

inhale.
exhale.
inhale.
exhale.
inhale inhale inhale.
exhaaaaaaaaaaale.

Jim patterson behind the old barn.
(inhale)
looking up up up into the night
(exhale)
a dusty fog momentarily clouds over his face
then floats past
up to where he's staring.
(inhale)
jim brings his eyes back down.
me.
(exhale)
his eyes travl over my body
exploring like an astronaut on alien terrain.
he
(inhales)
and i see the abyss of his eyes
so lightless as he
(exhales)

[Queen of Rain]

Oo i like it i think.. its innovative (is that an english word, i dont know at this hour) and theres a tone of it which fits the theme so ridiculously well that with some work its a masterpiece.. theres this voice of a child meeting the voice of a teenager... it can be seen in so many ways adn the more i read it the more i jsut love the depth here...

The beginning is slightly long.. if you make it one long line you will ahve a faster rhythm but maybe a more inviting start of the poem?

[ScarletMornings]

this reminds me a lot of queen of rain's or/young sighs format. it's very unusual, very different. it's almost like you're interacting with this character during the poem. you can see and hear what they're doing. very unusual, again, but i really like it. good job. my favorite:

he
(inhales)
and i see the abyss of his eyes
so lightless as he
(exhales)

abyss is a good word to use. i applaud. and lightless. good diction.

[Ramona]

Thank you both very much. The beginning part was the part that I was most shaky about, I'll see if I'm not to lazy to try and edit that.