Post by Robin on Jun 25, 2006 15:44:09 GMT -8
I'm not fond of the theme here, so I'll do a line-by-line analysis.
"Holding onto the pull of life's unknown."
lives*** I'm not exactly loving this line, anyways. 'I gather the world with a single hand, holding on the pull of lives unknown?' It just seems pretty crude, to me, especially considering the rest of this poem seems like it's trying to be all Rufus Wainwrighty. The first four lines are like Vanessa Carlton on dope; not a pleasant combination, especially if you're trying to be Rufus Wainwright.
"The air I breathe"
Ehhhh. I don't like this line break. I'd just combine it with the England line and use a word other than 'crystallized.' Crystallized is a mouthful, anyways, and not really a good word to describe this anyways.
I don't really like the whole England/Africa/New York thing, either. It ties in too much with the Vanessa-Carlton-on-dope beginning. You could word this feeling a lot better without making it sound like a 'Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego' theme song, or making it reminiscent of 'We Didn't Start the Fire.' I like Billy Joel, I just don't like the style of 'We Didn't Start the Fire' except in WDSF.
"The sun emblazons the far west sky
While the moon dances in the east"
Ehhhh. You don't need this, either. It's far too poetic to tie in with the rest of it, almost like the England/Africa/New York thing was, except EANY was on topic, while this feels like something you just threw in.
"We must learn to walk together by a peaceful rain
Or we will drown in our own tears of the storm."
Way too wordy. When you got wordy everywhere else, it flowed decently, but here it's like chewing bad saltwater taffy.
"Holding onto the pull of life's unknown."
lives*** I'm not exactly loving this line, anyways. 'I gather the world with a single hand, holding on the pull of lives unknown?' It just seems pretty crude, to me, especially considering the rest of this poem seems like it's trying to be all Rufus Wainwrighty. The first four lines are like Vanessa Carlton on dope; not a pleasant combination, especially if you're trying to be Rufus Wainwright.
"The air I breathe"
Ehhhh. I don't like this line break. I'd just combine it with the England line and use a word other than 'crystallized.' Crystallized is a mouthful, anyways, and not really a good word to describe this anyways.
I don't really like the whole England/Africa/New York thing, either. It ties in too much with the Vanessa-Carlton-on-dope beginning. You could word this feeling a lot better without making it sound like a 'Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego' theme song, or making it reminiscent of 'We Didn't Start the Fire.' I like Billy Joel, I just don't like the style of 'We Didn't Start the Fire' except in WDSF.
"The sun emblazons the far west sky
While the moon dances in the east"
Ehhhh. You don't need this, either. It's far too poetic to tie in with the rest of it, almost like the England/Africa/New York thing was, except EANY was on topic, while this feels like something you just threw in.
"We must learn to walk together by a peaceful rain
Or we will drown in our own tears of the storm."
Way too wordy. When you got wordy everywhere else, it flowed decently, but here it's like chewing bad saltwater taffy.
