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Post by Queen of Rain on Jun 25, 2006 11:38:23 GMT -8
Silvercircles
and the horizon
wish I could impair with the way
time moves
(I long for you voice
on a crispy longdistanceline)
knocking
on hollow walls
and the way my shadow dances
Time zones are cryptical
when we’re waiting
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Post by Ramona on Jun 25, 2006 14:23:45 GMT -8
I like the images in this poem, but it seems all patched together. The one image just doesn't come together for me, but maybe I'm just missing it. And I think "crispy" could be replaced with something less associated with chips. Maybe "brittle," or "crackling" if you want to go for conventional.
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Post by Queen of Rain on Jun 25, 2006 14:35:02 GMT -8
I kinda like the patching.. though your right.. Its kinda too close to my reality atm to work with it...
Its this feeling of sitting waiting for time to pass in the middle of the night to get after office hours in NY.. and kinda the impatience and how the rest of the house is sleeping..
yea the crispy thing.. to me the longdistance calls appear crispy haha.. but i should look into a synonym, cos crisps/chips is really not the right image haha
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Post by Ramona on Jun 25, 2006 14:44:13 GMT -8
I made the time connection, but that was it. Don't get me wrong, I'd liked how it was broken up like that, but I think they're needs to be just a little bit more of a connection between the images.
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Post by Queen of Rain on Jun 25, 2006 14:53:10 GMT -8
I tried to tie it all to time but that the reader really had to analyse to see it.. I'll give yor the behind the scene explanation..
silvercircles - the ones armwatches make when the sun reflects in them..
horizon - We used to count boatlights at night when we couldnt sleep..
long distance calls - time zones..
knocking on hollow walls - searching for something and impatience
dancing shadow - sun moves = time passes
cryptical waiting - waiting fo rthe time for the long distance call..
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Post by Ramona on Jun 25, 2006 15:07:07 GMT -8
YEah. WEll it seems like somehting that's more personal, so in that case it doesn't need any linking as long as it means something to you.
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Post by Robin on Jun 25, 2006 15:36:38 GMT -8
Yeah, like Ramona said, this seems like something that's pretty personal. When you write something like this, it seems like it's mostly for yourself, so I don't really see a need for you to change much at all. I don't usually write for myself, which is why my stuff isn't as good as yours is, but I'm pretty sure that when something is really personal it doesn't usually need too much editing. It's just...there. It seems fine to me, anyways. I like it when thoughts bounce around.
I just don't like how some of the text is in parenthesis. It just seems like aesthetics, though.
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