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Post by Pseudomuse on Jun 5, 2006 9:11:42 GMT -8
oral fixation
I. at the tea-party
he winks and grins. his strawberry lips form the simple morphemes soundlessly: i’ll show you things you’ve never seen before. and she listens as his hand move like a mime, fascinated by the curves of his mouth. she hardly notices when his fingers creep up under the hem of her dress, she is too focused on his aperture: i’ll help you find your way back home.
II. fantasia
she knows she is going crazy, for nothing has ever felt this good (before).
oh alice…he mouths against her skin, her hands twisted in his hair, and the world explodes on itself.
oh alice... i’ll show you wonderland.
III. dis(re)memberment
somedays she remembers falling down a rabbit hole. something about waist-pocket watch-pieces, and kitten whiskers. but that all evaporates with his tongue tangled with hers, her nails carving half-moons on his hip-skin.
she sighs, and never wonders at this infatuation.
IV. periapt
he has been inside her, gouged deep, and rummaged through the chest of draws that is her heart. he has burned away her old aster affiliations. he fancies her hunger and fits it with his own.
she watches the play of purple clouds in a pink horizon. he once took her to the looking-glass, and revealed, skin against skin, that she is home.
for weeks it is the only word she can fathom. home.
V. infanticide
when he leaves, she suffocates herself in sheets that smell of strawberry.
this is not her neck he’s breaking…
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Post by Queen of Rain on Jun 5, 2006 10:57:55 GMT -8
wow right now I am suffocating myself in sheets.. The idea behind this poem is amazing and so is your imagery. At times I think your sentences could improve by some condensation.. suck as the end of the first stanza, it could flow better. Also I do think you could focus more on the 5th part instead of the 4th, to me that appears more effective.
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Post by Ramona on Jun 5, 2006 13:37:52 GMT -8
I LOVe this. HoF? The imagery was fantastic. I especially love the second stanza.
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Post by Robin on Jun 5, 2006 20:03:19 GMT -8
Very pretty, though I think it's more prose-y.
"fascinated by the curves of his mouth"
Lovely.
"with his tongue tangled with hers, her nails carving half-moons on his hip-skin."
There's something really vulgar and really romantic about this all in one. I love it.
"the chest of draws that is her heart"
I don't like the heart as a chest of draws imagery. It seems off-beat with the rest of the poem.
"she suffocates herself in sheets that smell of strawberry. "
Yum.
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Post by ScarletMornings on Jun 12, 2006 17:28:23 GMT -8
this is strange and fantastic. i like the alice in wonderland imagery, it kinda seems to help tie together the whole poem because it's so unusual in format and ideas. it makes it seem almost like... a wonderland. imagine that.
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