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Post by Ramona on May 24, 2006 13:56:02 GMT -8
Just something short. -----
She sits by the window.
A million stars implode
inside her head.
Balls of gas and space debris
so far away that they make you think.
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Post by cry,crayola. on May 28, 2006 8:53:09 GMT -8
i like it, but i'm not so sure about the line brake from implode and inside. you need it there, it just doesn't sound right.
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Post by Ramona on May 29, 2006 16:16:22 GMT -8
Same thing that I thought (about the line break,) but it needed it to break the long line.
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Post by Queen of Rain on May 30, 2006 13:04:02 GMT -8
I really like the shortness in this and your choice of words is really good to.. Suggesting some changes =
She sits by the window.
A million stars
implode inside her head.
Balls of gas and space debris
so far away that they make you think. (I would like to exchange the That formulation here but i dunno how
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Post by Ramona on May 30, 2006 15:02:15 GMT -8
Thanks for your comment. I was originally going to leave it "so far away they make you think" but I didn't want it to sound like two seperate sentences, I wanted the connection between the farness (I can't think of a better word) of the stars and the farness being the reason that the stars make you think.
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