Chemical Laughter

[Queen of Rain]

It was all so beautiful then
he said colours were brighter
the sugar sweeter
and laughter

Though he learned
nights turn to days

Days turn to weeks and years
and they all hide in smoke
(literally)
It was all so innocent
(laughter)

Chemical clouds
of sweetsmellýng clouds
numb
and now sometimes
Laughter

When I saw him crying
on the shore that day
It wasnt as fun anymore

There was only night
and no laughter
anymore

It wasnt as fun
anymore

[Robin]

This is very blunt, especially for you.

I know that it was part of the poem, the bluntness, but I thought that it was a choice that detracted from it, to be quite honest.

I think going through and softening the blows a bit would help an awful lot.

[cry,crayola.]

i think i like the bluntness in here. it gives it a certain character that makes a special type of impact on me.

i like it.

[Queen of Rain]

this poem is a bit to close to the present to be perfected im afraid - but now im on the other side of the continent so maybe I can work on it and my feelings about it all..
I think its slightly too much straight forward and Im aware of that the last two stanzas are far more blunt than I would like them to be.. but im still unsure how to work with it? mayhbe I should change around in the ending all together?? dont know.. the real story kind of havnt ended yet...
comments would be highly appreciated (haha my humour is still fucked up)

[Ramona]

this poem is very raw, but that's not a bad thing. I actually think the rawness adds too this poem, but in some places it's a bit much. Like in
"When I saw him crying
on the shore that day
It wasnt as fun anymore."