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Post by Ramona on May 12, 2006 18:36:38 GMT -8
...well, I finally got around to adding more of it, but I don't think it'll really be done, but for now, it is. Not too sure about the ending. -----
electrically simple
this bright comet-boy
stuck among the stars
where he doesn’t belong
reach out, boy, and grab her gaze
hold it tight
for she’s afraid to look into your eyes
for too long
eccentrically wistful
this keeper of myths
glorified antagonist
singing love songs
persuasive to the point of beauty
with freckles on your skin
take her away and speak to her
she wants to hear more questions
euphorically crooked
this whispering cynic
godless and pessimistic
but she doesn’t blame you
she thinks she understands and she just might
but you’ll never tell
or maybe just never let her know
what’s real and what’s make-believe
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Post by Pseudomuse on May 12, 2006 19:20:17 GMT -8
Ooo, you added more. Hmm... here I go down the rabbit hole.
First stanza: my favorite part of the poem, just lovely except the 'but' in the last line throws me off. Perhaps exchange it with 'where' or just deleting the word.
Second Stanza: I don't like the 'boy' in the first line. I also think the stanza is short a word. Perhaps, add 'for' to the end of line 2.
Third Stanza to the end: absolutely beautiful.
Hope this helps. PM.
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Post by Ramona on May 12, 2006 19:29:26 GMT -8
I agree about the "for" and the "where" thing, but I like the boy 'cause I like the feeling of it. But I'll add the "for" and try to fix the "but."
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Post by Ramona on May 12, 2006 19:30:17 GMT -8
I added "for" to the third line because ending the second line on "for" justt seemed awkward.
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Post by Pseudomuse on May 13, 2006 16:12:55 GMT -8
oooo! YAY! Just loverly 'Mona.
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Post by Ramona on May 14, 2006 14:33:10 GMT -8
Thank you.
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Post by cry,crayola. on Jun 18, 2006 4:52:02 GMT -8
maybe if you broke it.
reach out, boy,
grab her gaze
that's all for me, really. very nice.
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