This Fine Vintage

[ScarletMornings]

How would I know?
I'm not a shadow in your mind
you backdropped me into obscurity
when I gave you back what I'd been getting
using me to drown your worries
you claim you warned me against it
but I don’t give a damn about directions
I won't be kept locked up til I'm needed

Now a thousand misdemeanors later
your sweet little sleight of the hand trick
has got me thinking maybe I deserve them
but if I glance aside and smash that sunshine in my eyes
you were always a little too ready with your hands
but they always start to spill the liquor after a while
with my illusions of guilt, of course

I think you grasped my trailing thoughts
finally, as they unraveled behind me
those streaming banners and ribbons of my escape
I'm careful not to trip over them subconsciously
but I didn’t quite catch you red-handed
as you stared in arrogant shock at the mutiny of your “bounty”
you thought I was wrapped careful away in the cabinent
waiting for you take a sip and ignite a fire

So you dropped me like the embers of our loving
when it no longer suited your exacting needs
I cried that kerosene, careful not to get it on the heart on my sleeve
it’s never smart to put a match to metaphorical fire
you wiped it all away and slung the rag on my displayed jugular
and I caught of flash in gentleness in your eyes, I think
but my righteous fury and hurt convinced me otherwise
as you quickly turned away after sheathing your ability to break me

Yes, I thought my soul would sink and drown, dear
as I gaped at such a public declaration of denouncement
not even worth going in for the kill
but perhaps I do you an injustice
you cared about me in your own acquired tastes
but whiskey is fire hot
and only acceptable in small doses

Maybe if you take a break
to recover from your appalling tendency to hangover
you can learn to appreciate this fine vintage
I may burn going down and make your eyes water
and I won’t settle for less than all
but there’s nothing better to enjoy
when you need a pick-up in the worst of times
whiskey, if you were a woman, you’d be me

[Robin]

This has some unbelievably significant phrases here.

"Now a thousand misdemeanors later"

This, my fair lady, is TNT.

"your sweet little sleight of the hand trick"

I would take out the 'the' in sleight of the hand and just leave it as sleight of hand. They both sound good, but I think having 'the' in there is kind of awkward. I don't know. I just think it sounds better as sleight of hand. But it's your choice, really.

"but if I glance aside and smash that sunshine in my eyes
you were always a little too ready with your hands
but they always start to spill the liquor after a while
with my illusions of guilt, of course"

What you're saying here sounds really cool, but I was having some trouble figuring out exactly what was going on. It sort of all blends together and is a little confusing. If it was me, I'd try to make it a little more clear-cut. Well, not so much clear-cut as not all congealed together. Do you see what I'm getting at?

"I think you grasped my trailing thoughts
finally, as they unraveled behind me
those streaming banners and ribbons of my escape"

Oooh. Je s'adore.

"but I didn’t quite catch you red-handed"

This is a little awkward. It doesn't quite fit the rhythm, and the 'catch you red-handed' really doesn't fit with the poem. It's almost childish, or corny cop show-ish, and this poem really needs a more mature feel to it.

"you thought I was wrapped careful away in the cabinent
waiting for you take a sip and ignite a fire"

Beautiful.

"So you dropped me like the embers of our loving"

Very pretty. It reminds me of Semisonic; "cause you believed we'd do our loving in another life, in another time."

"when it no longer suited your exacting needs"

This is kind of awkward, too. I can't say exactly how, but it's sort of like a puzzle piece that you clicked in upside down or something.

"I cried that kerosene, careful not to get it on the heart on my sleeve"

I love the imagery here, but it was all crammed into one line and kind of awkwardly.

"but whiskey is fire hot
and only acceptable in small doses"

Hahaha. Very 60's commercial-y. I love it.

"Maybe if you take a break
to recover from your appalling tendency to hangover
you can learn to appreciate this fine vintage"

A little cliche on the wording, but you can't argue the results. In my opinion, you could write a poem about slitting your wrists, using the words crimson and scarlet every few words, and if you wrote it as good as this, it'd be amazing.

"whiskey, if you were a woman, you’d be me"

I like how you described whiskey in this way, but this line is a bit too forward.

[ScarletMornings]

hmm, on the "red-handed" part and the "exacting needs" part do you have any suggestions?

[Robin]

Exacting needs and red-handed are just a little too wordy.

If you had to use them, like you had to for a contest or something, I'd write something to the effect of "the cops never caught you red-handed//but they had their suspicions from the start" or something to that effect.

The exacting needs phrase is just too wordy, plain and simple. If you dropped exacting, it might work. I would just say desires, but that's me.