También (Second Edit)

[Ramona]

This piece was inspired by the HBO Film "Walk-out." It's about Mexican-American struggles and equality. My Spanish leaves a lot to be desired, but if anyone knows Spanish so if I made any mistakes, let me know. I'd like to transition to the end a little smoother, so I'll take another look at it later, but if anyone ahs any suggestions, that'd be awesome.

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we're brown like earth
you say brown like mud
but earth is beautiful
no matter what form
just like us
have you ever felt it between your toes?

rose thorns between our toes
because it hurts to walk
when we can't speak how we want
and it hurts to breathe
to think
to feel
just because we know
we have something you want us to hide
and the rose is the people
the beautiful people
who tell us what we can and can't do

but there's one thing we can do
and when we do
when we do, you'll see
we'll be just like you
and you'll be just like us
will you feel dirty?
dirty because you mix with mud?

yes, there's something we can do
we can defy
we'll speak Spanish
we'll scream Spanish
we'll scream ¡Viva! ¡Viva!
somos igual

we'll walk with these rose thorns
and we'll walk out these prison doors
and we'll walk on top of cars
and scream ¡Viva la educacion igual!

the thorns will fall out
our wounds will heal
and our children will play in schoolyards with yours
because of what we'll do

belmont,
walk-out.

[Robin]

Aww, this was lovely. It embodies a discrimination towards Mexican-Americans that is still rampant even now (Mexicans "steal" Americans' jobs; Mexicans "steal" Americans' money). Because you don't really put in any really pin-point specific detailing about certain discriminations, this is a very timeless piece that I can see being read and enjoyed years from now, especially in the Southwest. California and Texas especially.

I don't know Spanish, but Spanish and French are close enough that I got the gist of it. It didn't look wrong to me, unless you missed an accent or gender somewhere.

Good job.

[Ramona]

Thanks a lot.

[Pseudomuse]

hmmm, firstly I really, really, really like this.

now on the crit which I meant to do days ago.

(line by line)

stanza 1, line 6. cut the line down to - have you ever felt it between your toes?

stanza 2, line 1. are is superfluous

stanza 3, line 7. I love that line.

stanza 4, lines 5 & 6. change to - we'll scream ¡Viva! ¡Viva!
somos igual.
- there is nothing wrong with your spanish, just from a poetic stand point.

stanza 5, line 4. you need a 'la', so ¡Viva la educacion igual!

stanza 6, lines 2 & 3. take out the 'and' at the beginning of both. superfluous, and sounds better without.

Hope this helps. Lovely poem, Ramona considering I practically live in Mexico it hits home.

[Ramona]

Sweet. Thanks. I'll fix some of that up.

[cry,crayola.]

i pretty much think this is brilliant too. i like the imagery in here a lot and the way you mixed a different feel for it. i'm not sure if that makes any sence....... but it's still cool. amazing job.