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Post by Ramona on Mar 16, 2006 9:18:36 GMT -8
Just this piece inspired by that song. I don't particularly like it and am unsure about the "hush" thing. -----
i hear your husky whisper
i see the glint of your eyes
desire flashes through me
i smile back and attempt
to convey that i want you
without saying i want you
you give me fever
fingertips
brushing across your thigh
lean closer, still closer
let's eliminate the space between us
and replace it with lust
hair plastered against your forehead
bite your lip
just hush, hush, hush and sweat
what a lovely way to burn
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Post by Queen of Rain on Mar 16, 2006 10:25:03 GMT -8
this is a lovely piece.. i liked the ambigous imagery of burning..
nice rhythm only end of firts stanza would need a touchup..
great work dear
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Post by ScarletMornings on Mar 16, 2006 12:31:25 GMT -8
i adore this. fantastic job.
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Post by Robin on Mar 17, 2006 7:01:38 GMT -8
"see the glint of your eyes"
I'd add "I' to the beginning of this line. It'd give it a feel of repetition without really being repetitive.
"desire rampages through me"
I'd change rampages to a two syllable word. Courses, or something like that.
"just hush, hush, hush and sweat
what a lovely way to burn"
Excellent way to end it.
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Post by Ramona on Mar 17, 2006 8:50:33 GMT -8
Thanks to all of you. I'm going to fix some stuff right now.
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Post by ScarletMornings on Mar 17, 2006 14:34:24 GMT -8
hof permission, por favor?
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Post by Ramona on Mar 17, 2006 19:52:40 GMT -8
Of course! Suh-weet.
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Post by cry,crayola. on Mar 21, 2006 18:32:24 GMT -8
niftyy.....
this was pretty amazing and i'm in love with the imagery in this one. it pretty much makes me smile.
the first two stanzas, i think, wern't near as good as the rest. they were lacking emotion and feeling. overall, though, it was muy brilliant...........-o?
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