City of Ash

[Queen of Rain]

And there is a house
in a town without a name
raided by bombings
of a war without an aim

The beautiful lobby with pale blue floor
now serves as ceiling
and the sky is just screams

Two sisters used to live
on the forth floor that isn't anymore
Its just air by now,
air and screams that froze that day

The two pretty sisters
remain awaitening
for their parents and lost childhood
that not even peace could bring
So they crawl out of the underground
like white sorks in the morning

No matter how much they wash
their hair remains covered in ash
But, O their appearance is stunning
an old lady's waredrobe survived her death
- so the pretty sisters dress
in mossgreen silk and purple lace
like overgrown fairytale children

There they play with dolls and skipping ropes
layers of dresses flying as they jump
Bloodred butterflies in a mothgrey town

Their parents shall come back one day
and find their children and take them home

So pretty sisters remain as they we're
and arrival of madness comes creeping, just wait
Though nothing ever
seems to change
in this godforgotten city
the City of Ash

[Robin]

Was this originally written in another language? It has a slight awkwardness to it that sort of sounds like it was roughly translated from something, but that could be just what you were going for.

I found that it didn't quite flow right. The imagery was excellent, but all the pretty imagery in the world can't distract from a rather awkward flow. The way this poem is written, it should probably run very fluidly. As it is, I think just creating a syllable scheme for this would help.

But I do think the imagery is lovely. I love "godforgotten." It's a nice spinoff of godforsaken.

[Ramona]

I like how you follow the sisters throughout the poem and the imagery you used, but I have to agree with Robin, it does seem a bit choppy.

[ScarletMornings]

for once, i can actually notice something like the rhythm. i agree with ramona and robin, it just seems off, but i love the idea.

[Queen of Rain]

Thank you for your comments
I'll look over the choppiness, its a bit awkward in pieces.. however like the first stanza i do like the roughness in the rhythm, but like the 3rd stanza ive rewritten 3 times adn its still a tragedy..