Salvation's Angels

[Ramona]

Yeah, this is kind of corny, but it's what my English teacher likes and I wrote it for that class. It's a Holocaust poem, so it's kind of sad. The italicized parts are supposed to be someone's speech. If anyone has read the book Night this is about one of the instances in the book.
The father and son had a choice of leaving the concentration camp with the other prisoners or to stay there and await their fate. They'd either be set free or starve to death. So they left and it turns out that American soldiers came and let the prisoners who stayed loose. It's kind of a concieted poem, too.

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salvation's angels could be near,
but I dare not look for fear
of SS, the authorities,
faster, dear, keep up with me

salvation's angels did not know
and how their lateness hurt us so
for information was kept away
God gives us our bread each day

salvation's angels in combat boots
army fatigues and crisp salutes
American soldiers, hear our cry
my daughter is much worse than I

salvation's angels, will you be here?
oh, I do not stay for fear,
but now I've heard youi set them free,
God, oh God, why not me?

[Robin]

Aww, it's not corny. I think it's a fitting representation of Night. I had to read that book my Freshman year of highschool. It was pretty good.

"of SS, the authorities,
faster, dear, keep up with me"

The rhythm of the first stanza is really well groomed, but authorities and me don't exactly rhyme. I know you probably know that, but I just figured I should bring it to your attention that if your teacher is a freak about lyrical corny stuff, s/he might freak out about that. Personally, I don't think it's bad, because you held up the rhythm and the partial rhyme isn't forced at all, but my teacher would wig out about something like that, and a lot of other people can be a lot more nitpicky than me, so they may not like that.

"for information was kept away
God gives us our bread each day"

'For information was kept away' disrupts the rhythm. And 'god gives us our bread each day' is kind of iffy. It works and all, but I had to read it twice before I could get the tempo right in my head. But that may just be me. It's not bad, not at all, but if you're shooting for perfection, re-wording these lines a bit may be to your advantage.

"army fatigues and crisp salutes"

The way most people say 'army,' it doesn't quite fit the rhythm. I had to say ar-MEE for it to fit the rhythm in my head, simply saying the quick, almost one-syllable pronunciation that most of us use disrupts things. I was thinking that maybe 'armed force' would work better, but I don't really know. It's up to you. Depending on the accents where you leave, the rhythm may turn out differently.


"salvation's angles, will you be here?
oh, I do not stay for fear,"

In the rest of the poem, your rhyming couplets fit together really neatly; they form a full thought together. Here it feels kind of fragmented. For this poem, consistancy may be a better choice.

But I liked it, besides a few rhythmic inconsistancies.

[Ramona]

Thanks for the crit, I don't think my teacher will freak out or anything, though. But I might, so I'll get to those unless I get lazy.