Summer Will Die

[Robin]

This is a rather old poem. It was one of my last successful rhyming poems. Most attempts after this one just turned out even more childish than usual. I know there are some awkward patches here, but I've edited it a ton and what's left is stuff I don't know how to fix, so it's up to you guys. And if there are any glaring errors on the accuracy of my religious allusions, just point them out to me. I'm not making anything inaccurate on purpose. If anything's wrong, it's pure accident.

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We thought we would die that fateful day
When world crashed down to the devil’s fray.
And the flames licked at the charred broken seats,
And the waves lapped out at the Lord’s deceits.

Well, we didn’t die, but the others sure did.
Their souls and their spirits the archangels hid.
And we crawled from the rubble of what once was a plane,
And we looked with wide eyes at our brand-new domain.

We found our Eden, our promised land.
We were fed and gave drink by the Lamb’s gentle hand.
And we wondered at blossoms that bloomed on the trees,
And we breathed in their scent on the tropical breeze.

Well, summer will die, and all good things must end.
And our broken hearts, well, they never did mend.
And when hurricanes hit, the waves crash and foam,
And the flowers are ripped from their lucullan loam.

Well, the Good Lord delivers, or so they say.
But all will soon follow old Lucifer’s way.
And, come what may, we won’t stay together,
We will be torn apart in this Capricorn weather.

[cry,crayola.]

And the flames licked at the charred broken seats,
And the waves lapped out at the Lord’s deceits.

a little wordy here, not much, though.


We found our Eden, our promised land.
We were fed and gave drink by the Lamb’s gentle hand.
And we wondered at blossoms that bloomed on the trees,
And we breathed in their scent on the tropical breeze.

brilliant


Well, summer will die, and all good things must end.
And our broken hearts, well, they never did mend.
And when hurricanes hit, the waves crash and foam,
And the flowers are ripped from their lucullan loam.

too many and's


Well, the Good Lord delivers, or so they say.
But all will soon follow old Lucifer’s way.
And, come what may, we won’t stay together,
We will be torn apart in this Capricorn weather.

this stanza, the one before, and the second all start with 'well' try to reword them so you don't have to use so many or don't use them at all. i also think this last rhyme was a little bit forced.

otherwise, this was a brilliant poem. it was a great idea and you did such a good job with it.
*claps*

[Robin]

Yeah, I was very alors happy here. I guess they're easy ways to fit the rhythm, and I'm lazy...? Whatever the reason I went psycho with the ands and wells, I'll fix it. There's gotta be some other way.

Oh, and any suggestions on the last rhyme? I spent forever trying to find a good way to word it. I tried Valhalla weather, which I realized didn't work because Valhalla isn't Christian, and I tried Babylon weather, which didn't quite fit either, and I tried tropical weather, but I'd already used tropical a lot so...yeah. I tried a lot of other stuff that I can't rememeber. Jerusalem weather, I think I tried.

[ScarletMornings]

i think this is beautiful. and i like capricorn weather. i think it is the perfect touch to end this poem. it reminds me of capricious, and that seems to describe this weather and most weather as a matter of fact. brilliant work.

[Robin]

You liked Capricorn weather? It felt kind of forced to me...but if you think it works...

I put it in there as a reference to the tropic of Capricorn.