Awfully Kaleidoscopic (First Edit)

[Ramona]

electric whispers
now I’ve lost count
not that the numbers matter
only the lights and the colors

just barely catch your eyes
kaleidoscopes
like the Beatles song
and now I’m picturing myself in a boat on a river
and you’re my Lucy in the Sky

my fingers tangle
woven in between threads of your hair
your arms encircle my waist
with your hands trailing down my hips
and I can almost pretend we’re in love

your ear upon my chest
can you feel my heart beat?
I bet to you it’s not important enough to listen to

caught in primitive pleasure
and lies about old fantasies
wild dreams of what could be

but they’re never more than dreams

[Queen of Rain]

Beautiful well constructed piece that flows well.
format of first stanza - "only the colors", is a bit to abrupt in formulation.. other than that i like the varioation of diction a lot

[Robin]

I agree with Queen of Rain (or Cecilia, or whatever I'm supposed to call you), it was beautiful, but 'only the colors' seems too abrupt. It's just that the line break there "not that the numbers matter//only the colors" is pretty awkward.

"kaleidoscopes
like the Beatles"

This part seemed too abrupt, too. Like you were missing something and didn't quite finish your thought. It's obvious what you mean, - who doesn't know the Beatles? - but if I didn't know the Beatles, I'd have no idea what you were talking about.

"and now I’m picturing myself in a boat on a river
and you’re my Lucy in the Sky"

Here, I'd probably replaced Lucy in the Sky with LSD. What I'm catching here is that this woman is this man's drug - his Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. Most people would recognize the reference, even if you didn't already refer to the Beatles, and it would be a much subtler and classier allusion.

[Ramona]

Thanks you to both of you, I'll try to work on the abruptness of those lines.

To Robin, I don't want to put LSD because I think it'd be too direct, so maybe just finish off the phrase with "with Diamonds" but do you think it would affect the rhythm?

[Robin]

Yeah, it does disrupt the rhythm a bit. And LSD is too obvious for this poem. I think maybe just Lucy would work? But that'd mess up the rhythm, too. Something else, maybe. Diamond diva. Something along those lines. Lucy in the Sky had enough syllables, but it didn't sound complete. And Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds sounds complete, but it has too many syllables.

[Ramona]

Well, to me Lucy in the Sky sounded fine, but if you think it needs something more...hmm. Well I'll just leave it at "Lucy in the Sky" for now until I can think of something to put there.

[Robin]

Yeah. There's not really much I can think of to put there either. Lucy in the Sky doesn't sound BAD, it just sounds incomplete, like I said.

But incomplete is better than choppy any day.

[Ramona]

Yeah, I suppose so. Anyway, thanks.

[cry,crayola.]

i dunno, i didn't find a problem with lucy.......diamonds at all. i liked it.

brilliant job with this piece. i pretty much love it. the flow is amazing. it's so gracefull and complete. excellent.

[Ramona]

Thank you. Do you mean I should have left it "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds?"

[cry,crayola.]

yeah, that's what i meant.

i liked it. i dunno, this way is okay too, i guess.