And Lorelei: A Reflection on Reading Lyonnesse

[Pseudomuse]

Uggg... another first drafty. Title comes from two Plath poems, Lorelei and Lyonnesse. Some of the lines allude to those poems. Me thinks I've been reading too much Plath... I'm not really sure on the fragmented beginning.

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And Lorelei: A Reflection on Reading Lyonnesse

fair ivory-ash hair
pulled away by
cream-satin,
jutting
high cheekbones.

knees under suffocating silk
are serrated planes of glass -
elbows bent and
tired from attending to this
foul-faggot tug of war.

between the hubris loch
and the bitter incestuous crown
writhing: helpless, hopeless, and –
barren.


fools, they called you a goddess of peace
in a cage of stars, spider water wing rivulets
laving the skin – a bright white sparkling light.
they thought heaven would be different,
though they couldn’t see the burns on your
toes.


I am only a mortal Mab
but take my hand, let
me purge this haunting shade.

And
sweet sister, sleep –
just sleep.

[Robin]

Oooh. This was pretty. It reminded me of 'I Was A Teenage Fairy,' which is mostly because of the name Mab, but also because of the almost prose-y style of this. It was poetry, but it also told a story, which is more than can be said of a lot of stuff these days, which explains one feeling instead of one moment.

The fragmented beginning was good, but it doesn't really connect with the rest of the poem, although having a semi-fragmented ending did tie things up nicely. Maybe having a little more transitioning between the first and second stanza would help - I don't really know.

I think if you didn't feel like editing this, it could go without it.

[Queen of Rain]

I was soo sure I commented on this.. but appearently not..

anyways, this is an utterly beautiful piece. very plath-y, yet a fresh breeze!
I agrfee with Robin that it could need better linking.. otehr than that I can only say you diod it again my dear, an amazing piece

[Ramona]

This is very nice. I like the kind of disconnected/fragmented feel of the beginning and the end. I think the fourth stanza is just amazing.

[cry,crayola.]

i love the description and imagery that's in there. it's amazing! this whole piece was very nice. i do agree with robin and queen. just a tad more connection would be good.