Untitled (Lounge Singer)

Pseudomuse
Senior Writer

We went, we saw, we didn't quite conquer.

Posts: 489

Untitled (Lounge Singer) Feb 22, 2006 0:45:03 GMT -8

Quote

Post by Pseudomuse on Feb 22, 2006 0:45:03 GMT -8

I swear I posted this the other day...oh well. It really needs a title any suggestions...

PM

Lounge Singer (Edit)

i wanna be a coffee coloured brown speakeasy angel
waitin for her godfather-goodfella man
batting baked broken lashes
in the two-toned two-bright lights
that are centered on a lapsing lazy susan.
but i’m as white as my torn-top cuticles
white like someone’s idea at frozen marzipan
which has no taste, not like shimmering swirls of tinctured tea.

i want a deniro-pacino man gun casin italian talkin mafioso
a hit and run man, with tattoos he only shows to me
and a grandma’s old cadillac: big trunk for big bodies.
but all i’ve got is a nowhere tom who makes love to the shadows
with metal punctures on his skin and a torn bus pass

sings to me the sounds of the smoke
between the ghost lips and teeth tremors

(wishful thinking)

Last Edit: Feb 23, 2006 7:37:15 GMT -8 by Pseudomuse

You'll never be quite the same again after that Bible you've been thumping all these years finally has enough and beats the living s**t out of you. - Horoscope in "The Onion"

I thought you just said we were done doing things the stupid way.

If you want to call me that, smile.

Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.

Ramona Administration Posts: 1,323	Untitled (Lounge Singer) Feb 22, 2006 8:00:16 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Ramona on Feb 22, 2006 8:00:16 GMT -8 WHOO! This piece has great imagery and I love the rhythm of it. this is absolutely fantastic! Again, can I put it in the HoF?
	"Hold my head inside your hands. I need someone who understands. I need someone, someone who hears. For you I've waited all these years. For you I'd wait 'til kingdom come, Until my day, my day is done. And say you'll come and set me free. Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me."

Pseudomuse
Senior Writer

We went, we saw, we didn't quite conquer.

Posts: 489

Untitled (Lounge Singer) Feb 22, 2006 8:37:39 GMT -8

Quote

Post by Pseudomuse on Feb 22, 2006 8:37:39 GMT -8

YAY sure! Just let me make some corrections...

titles I have come up with...

1. Just Another Dog Day Afternoon
2. Magnum Tintipes
3. Lounge Singer

or something like that...

PM

Last Edit: Feb 22, 2006 8:38:07 GMT -8 by Pseudomuse

You'll never be quite the same again after that Bible you've been thumping all these years finally has enough and beats the living s**t out of you. - Horoscope in "The Onion"

I thought you just said we were done doing things the stupid way.

If you want to call me that, smile.

Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.

Pseudomuse Senior Writer We went, we saw, we didn't quite conquer. Posts: 489	Untitled (Lounge Singer) Feb 22, 2006 8:40:32 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Pseudomuse on Feb 22, 2006 8:40:32 GMT -8 okay corrected!
	You'll never be quite the same again after that Bible you've been thumping all these years finally has enough and beats the living s**t out of you. - Horoscope in "The Onion" I thought you just said we were done doing things the stupid way. If you want to call me that, smile. Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.

Queen of Rain Senior Writer I'm Swedish, that should explain it all.. Posts: 614	Untitled (Lounge Singer) Feb 22, 2006 10:39:56 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Queen of Rain on Feb 22, 2006 10:39:56 GMT -8 It beautiful, the rhythm flows amazingly well.. i would say the ending line is a little abrupt in rhythm change starting with "of" Lounge Singer is the title i like.. great job
	A ship in a harbour is safe, but that's not what a ship is built for

Pseudomuse Senior Writer We went, we saw, we didn't quite conquer. Posts: 489	Untitled (Lounge Singer) Feb 22, 2006 13:42:53 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Pseudomuse on Feb 22, 2006 13:42:53 GMT -8 hmmm I think I am going to change that last line it is a bit choppy...
	You'll never be quite the same again after that Bible you've been thumping all these years finally has enough and beats the living s**t out of you. - Horoscope in "The Onion" I thought you just said we were done doing things the stupid way. If you want to call me that, smile. Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.

Ramona Administration Posts: 1,323	Untitled (Lounge Singer) Feb 22, 2006 14:56:14 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Ramona on Feb 22, 2006 14:56:14 GMT -8 Let me know which title you would like me to post it under when you decide, then.
	"Hold my head inside your hands. I need someone who understands. I need someone, someone who hears. For you I've waited all these years. For you I'd wait 'til kingdom come, Until my day, my day is done. And say you'll come and set me free. Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me."

Ramona Administration Posts: 1,323	Untitled (Lounge Singer) Feb 22, 2006 14:57:04 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Ramona on Feb 22, 2006 14:57:04 GMT -8 I have to agree with Queen fo Rain, though, I like "Lounge Singer" best.
	"Hold my head inside your hands. I need someone who understands. I need someone, someone who hears. For you I've waited all these years. For you I'd wait 'til kingdom come, Until my day, my day is done. And say you'll come and set me free. Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me."

Pseudomuse Senior Writer We went, we saw, we didn't quite conquer. Posts: 489	Untitled (Lounge Singer) Feb 22, 2006 16:47:25 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Pseudomuse on Feb 22, 2006 16:47:25 GMT -8 Lounge Singer it is!
	You'll never be quite the same again after that Bible you've been thumping all these years finally has enough and beats the living s**t out of you. - Horoscope in "The Onion" I thought you just said we were done doing things the stupid way. If you want to call me that, smile. Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.

Robin
Almost Senior Writer

Data gathering, data gathering!

Posts: 349

Untitled (Lounge Singer) Feb 22, 2006 18:51:13 GMT -8

Quote

Post by Robin on Feb 22, 2006 18:51:13 GMT -8

Oooh. I got butterflies reading this. Very pretty. It reminds me of The Color Purple in a way, even though it obviously isn't told about African Americans. It was probably the whole wishful thinking theme of it. I think that maybe putting 'wishful thinking' at the end isn't quite right. It doesn't fit in with the language of the rest of the poem. The rest of the poem is kind of smoky, kind of Alice Walker-ish, kind of Toni Morrison-y. 'Wishful thinking' sounds a lot less timeless, and while a good dousing of cold water can be really useful at times, in here it just felt forced. 'Wishful thinking' is in color - the rest of the poem is in sepia tones and technicolor.

Otherwise, I like it.

I've got a grip on myself and it feels nice

Pseudomuse Senior Writer We went, we saw, we didn't quite conquer. Posts: 489	Untitled (Lounge Singer) Feb 23, 2006 7:37:54 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Pseudomuse on Feb 23, 2006 7:37:54 GMT -8 Thanks Robin, I thought about what you said and edited it again.... PM
	You'll never be quite the same again after that Bible you've been thumping all these years finally has enough and beats the living s**t out of you. - Horoscope in "The Onion" I thought you just said we were done doing things the stupid way. If you want to call me that, smile. Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.

Ramona Administration Posts: 1,323	Untitled (Lounge Singer) Feb 23, 2006 7:59:01 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Ramona on Feb 23, 2006 7:59:01 GMT -8 OK, well I'll puy it in the HoF as is, and if you want me to apply any more edits you want to put in there just let me know.
	"Hold my head inside your hands. I need someone who understands. I need someone, someone who hears. For you I've waited all these years. For you I'd wait 'til kingdom come, Until my day, my day is done. And say you'll come and set me free. Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me."

Pseudomuse Senior Writer We went, we saw, we didn't quite conquer. Posts: 489	Untitled (Lounge Singer) Feb 23, 2006 9:22:59 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Pseudomuse on Feb 23, 2006 9:22:59 GMT -8 thanks Ramona!
	You'll never be quite the same again after that Bible you've been thumping all these years finally has enough and beats the living s**t out of you. - Horoscope in "The Onion" I thought you just said we were done doing things the stupid way. If you want to call me that, smile. Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.

Post by Pseudomuse on Feb 22, 2006 0:45:03 GMT -8

Post by Ramona on Feb 22, 2006 8:00:16 GMT -8

Post by Pseudomuse on Feb 22, 2006 8:37:39 GMT -8

Post by Pseudomuse on Feb 22, 2006 8:40:32 GMT -8

Post by Queen of Rain on Feb 22, 2006 10:39:56 GMT -8

Post by Pseudomuse on Feb 22, 2006 13:42:53 GMT -8

Post by Ramona on Feb 22, 2006 14:56:14 GMT -8

Post by Ramona on Feb 22, 2006 14:57:04 GMT -8

Post by Pseudomuse on Feb 22, 2006 16:47:25 GMT -8

Post by Robin on Feb 22, 2006 18:51:13 GMT -8

Post by Pseudomuse on Feb 23, 2006 7:37:54 GMT -8

Post by Ramona on Feb 23, 2006 7:59:01 GMT -8

Post by Pseudomuse on Feb 23, 2006 9:22:59 GMT -8