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Post by Ramona on Feb 17, 2006 9:06:05 GMT -8
So I was watching Fantasia 2000 the other day (sometimes the urge come over me) and I don't know if any of you have seen it but the last one with the volcano and whantnot made me think of this cliche and rhyming poem. Feedback would be great.
A few other things: I don't really like this poem. This won't mean as much to anyone who is not familiar with the Catholic faith. I'm not really a religious person (though I would say i'm spiritual) but I thought that some of the symbols of Catholicism were just so beautiful that I HAD to use them in this piece, though I'm afraid I didn't do them justice. -----
She wears the ashes of old palm trees,
smeared across her head.
She tells me it's a symbol,
and that one day she'll be dead.
To dust she shall return.
If heaven is a moment
and not, in fact, a place,
then life after that instant,
is just another empty space.
His kingdom lives forever.
Here across this barren land,
lies truth and beauty unspoken.
Life is just too short,
to live it acting broken.
My sins are forgiven.
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Post by cry,crayola. on Feb 17, 2006 15:05:29 GMT -8
is just empty, empty space.
this was the only part of ur poem that bugged me. it felt like you were just trying to satisfy the rhythm rather than the poem.
heck yesss!!! so you're one of those people who can do the rhyming thing, eh? ahh, i loved this. especially the little separate one line things at the end of the stanzas. very nice. it made it much more powerful.
She wears the ashes of old palm trees,
smeared across her head.
She tells me it's a symbol,
and that one day she'll be dead.
To dust she shall return.
my favorite. this was brilliant.
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Post by Ramona on Feb 17, 2006 17:49:37 GMT -8
Thank you very much. Yeah, I was trying to satisfy the rhythm in that part (which would explain why it sounded like it, ha ha.) I'll see if I can fix that.
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Post by Queen of Rain on Feb 20, 2006 10:39:29 GMT -8
so agree with cookies.. is just an empty empry space
feels too simplistic for the poem.. the uncomfortability of rhymes get obvious there..
first stanza is excellentce.. the rest are good jsut not as beautiful and more "preching" instead of giving a message ina poetic form..
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Post by ScarletMornings on Feb 20, 2006 10:54:48 GMT -8
personally, i adore this. and the only thing i think you should fix is put "an" before empty, empty space. i don't have a prob with that line personally. can i put this in the hof? because i basically love it. okay, so i TOTALLY ADORE THIS. i usually hate rhyming poetry, but this i LOVE.
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Post by Ramona on Feb 21, 2006 8:05:14 GMT -8
Yay! Of course, just let me edit some stuff...
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Post by ScarletMornings on Feb 21, 2006 20:21:12 GMT -8
k, just tell me when you're ready.
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Post by Ramona on Feb 22, 2006 6:06:56 GMT -8
Oh yeah, sorry, I forgot to post again yesterday saying I was done. Ha ha, well, I'm done.
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Post by Robin on Feb 22, 2006 19:08:02 GMT -8
Hey, now, I like rhymes. The only rhymes I didn't like here were in the last rhyming stanza. 'acting broken' is a good action in itself, but the way it was introduced was not the best, especially in comparison with the rest of the poem.
It's opened beautifully, with a lot of imagery and with a rhythm that anybody should be proud of. The Catholic imagery would hit home with a lot of people, Catholic or no, because Catholicism is one of the most controversial religions out there right now because a lot of Catholics are rigidly Orthodox (with the exception, of course, of Atheism, but that's not really a 'religion'). That's not to say that all Catholics are rigidily Orthodox in their customs and all that, but it's pretty darn close to Hasidic Judaism in some of its strictness. Anyways, because of all the controversy surrounding Catholicism, this poem would hit home with a lot of people. Not to mention the billion ways it can be interpreted. I'm not at all religious, and I got all fluttery just reading it, so I can imagine what it'd do to a religious person, or a really anti-religious person. Ooh. You should show it to an Agnostic and a Catholic. Imagine the quirky arguments they will have. It would make me smile.
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Post by Ramona on Feb 23, 2006 8:07:45 GMT -8
Yes, I liked the imagery of "acting broken" because of all the people who act all "emo" and whatnot just to be "cool" even if there's no real tragedy in their life (and I used to be one of them) but I didn't particulary like the rhyme there either. Thanks for your crit.
I think I might, since I do know Agnostics and Atheists and Catholics. It might be a fun little experiment.
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Post by cry,crayola. on Feb 25, 2006 11:17:11 GMT -8
yes! okay, empty space = better now.
good job!
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Post by Queen of Rain on Feb 25, 2006 15:23:15 GMT -8
now this is sooo brilliant girl
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