Making love in pure daylight, baby

[Queen of Rain]

Making Love in Pure Daylight, Baby

I confess it all my dear
confess my sins of nightlife living
- lips tasted sweet when sugarcoated
All those nights of sinful laughs
cigarettesmoked open lips
memoryfussed cristalballs

When you close your eyes you feel your way
with tounges that look for a darker night
and crumbled fingers with pink acrylic nails
its just as fake as our summertans
Deliciouisly whipped by fake white teeth
I confess it all my dear
we were just having fun,
in as bizarre blackhazed kissable way

Oh the dreams of disallowance
then
we did it all in adrenaline rushes
really, That was the truth of our living
then
we had the fake covers
of makeup and spiced up lemonade
yet I confess it all my dear
sugarcoated kisses were different
then
Memoryfussed futureplans

Sunset lovers and Autumnborn children
they close their eyes and feel their way
with lips on fire, high on life
with pale bare ankles in freezing snow
Its all quite forbidden, in a kissable way

I confess it all baby
I may regret the fake eyelashes
but not the flirts they gave

We had so much fun in forbibdden hazes
thats what bond us to memories
we didn't have clearly
but shared to death
Kissable kissable lips
in both hazes of tequila
and stunts of daylight nightlife

Quite forbidden innocent games
taking back whats really ours
I confess it all
- sinful for-the-moment-life
but we bond to life and death
No matter the cause or outcome


been working on this for a while, just modified it a bit..
Im trying to get through a certain tone (memoryfussed teenagy) yet a totally different theme (high on life adrenaline).. Its up to you to tell me if I'm succeeding

[Robin]

A lot of this thing was hot air. You could have cut out most of the second half of it and the reader wouldn't have missed anything. The idea that you expressed appealed to me at the beginning, but after you just restated yourself several times, it lost some of its meaning to me.

If you don't want to do that much alteration to the poem, you could just not use the word 'sugar coated' so much. It'd be easy enough to find synonyms for it and toss those in.

[Queen of Rain]

Um yea i jsut figured I do use sugarcoated 3 times in one stanza.. im gonna change that.. i like the word but that is too much..
I do not know what u mean with the hot air thing.. but it does get a bit too explanatory and repetitive in the end.,. im workign on a few new ideas to throw in there instead

[Robin]

That's what hot air is. Just a lot of repetition and explaining that isn't needed.

[Queen of Rain]

I modified it some..