Once Again

[Robin]

I absolutely detest the last two stanzas, and I think the 'once again, she..." repetition was awful. But I like the idea that I had here, and I'd like for it to shine. So some help would be appreciated. If you can, don't tell me what you like, tell me what you would like changed.

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Walking downtown in an autumn rain
Gulping down a whiskey jug to drown out all the pain
Once again
She wonders what she’s doing here.


Puddles splash up on her dragging feet
As she’s sucking on a cigarette to obliterate defeat
Once again
She wonders how she got this way


Eyes flinch away from her sagging physique
She’s not shaking out her ass with a beauty queen’s technique
Once again
She wonders how she aged so fast


Throwin’ trash on her ticker-tape parade
Spitting on the God to which she once fervently prayed
Once again
She sweeps up the floor of her life


Doors aren’t held open for her - not anymore
And she seems to have lost all her esprit de corps
Once again
She trudges off the battlefield


Guns go off in the apartment below
As she wonders when they’ll end their fireworks show
Once again
She eases into a mental malaise


And with unease that she cuts through like butter
Her life is once again cast into the gutter
Once again
She gathers up the pieces

[cry,crayola.]

overall, pretty good. the rhymes weren't terribly forced (although the last stanza was). i feel like i'm missing the good stuff in this poem. it needs more details and more emotion. it didn't really have me hooked, and, im not gonna lie, poems that rhyme usually do that to me. i think you had a great idea, but could've done a better job with it.

Doors aren’t held open for her - not anymore
And she seems to have lost all her esprit de corps
Once again
She trudges off the battlefield

my favorite.

[Ramona]

I agree with cookies4breakfast...even about the rhyming thing, though I do write rhyming poems myself.

[cry,crayola.]

i mean, i'm not saying rhyming is a bad thing, it just usually supresses poems that could be let out. the difference between a good poem and a great poem.

[Ramona]

Yeah, usually rhyming means that you can't express yourself as well, but some people are good at rhyming and using the rhymes to actually accentuate what they're trying to say.

[Robin]

I understand what you guys are saying...I'd cut out the last two stanzas entirely, but the poem wouldn't wrap up as nicely if I did that. I think if I sit down to it I might be able to scratch out something.