Make Valentines Day Go Away...

[cc]

My Valentines Day,
Do away.
My heart has been wripped out, torn,
Broken in half, and its still to be found.

No real life...
No real love.
My heart is a sacrifice,
Just gotta act tough.

So hold me one last time,
Hold me and I'll be fine...
Just love me the most...
Its a poisenous dose...

Take a chance,
Even just a side-ways glance...
Make my fears go away...
Bring us back to sunny days.

Make Valentines Day leave...
Help me if you please.
Just hold me one last time,
And make everything fine.

[cc]

[glow=red,2,300]Comments welcomed with open arms.[/glow]

[Ramona]

Valentines day blues...
They got me down.
This opening made me think this would be an unconventional, maybe slightly humorous or at least ironic poem.

My heart has been wripped out, torn,
Broken in half, and its still to be found.
Very overused imagery, and the rhyming of "down" and "found" seemed really forced.

I'm just a sacrifice,
Again something that could have made a good poem.

Just hold me close,
Its a poisenous dose...
I love the poisonous dose comparison, but the rhyme is forced.

Take a chance,
Even just a glance...
Very foced and choppy.

Make my fears go away...
Bring us back to sunny days.
Cliche, but nice rhythm. The rhyme didn't really seemd forced here.

Make Valentines Day go...
Make it leave me alone.
Just hold me one last time,
And make everything fine.
First two lines were chppy, but the last bit was nice because it tied into something flagged for earlier in the poem.

[cc]

admin said:

Valentines day blues...
They got me down.
This opening made me think this would be an unconventional, maybe slightly humorous or at least ironic poem.

My heart has been wripped out, torn,
Broken in half, and its still to be found.
Very overused imagery, and the rhyming of "down" and "found" seemed really forced.

I'm just a sacrifice,
Again something that could have made a good poem.

Just hold me close,
Its a poisenous dose...
I love the poisonous dose comparison, but the rhyme is forced.

Take a chance,
Even just a glance...
Very foced and choppy.

Make my fears go away...
Bring us back to sunny days.
Cliche, but nice rhythm. The rhyme didn't really seemd forced here.

Make Valentines Day go...
Make it leave me alone.
Just hold me one last time,
And make everything fine.
First two lines were chppy, but the last bit was nice because it tied into something flagged for earlier in the poem.

Hmm... I'll modify it here in a minute. Thanks =) It's been a long time since I last wrote a poem. It doesn't help that I'm kind of tired and that I'm really sick.

[Ramona]

No problem. Yeah, those are usually conditions it's hard to write under.

[Robin]

I think it was cute. I would never pick it out from a stack of poems as a really serious or hardcore piece, but it was cute. Whimsical, if you will.

But if you were looking for something more mature, you could have improved your vocabulary. Part of the reason this poem is so childish is the vocabulary is a little elementary.

Also, I think you rhymed the first two lines of each stanza, sort of, and I think that makes it sound a little childish, too. Some people can get away with rhyming (and I'm not among them), but when some try to do it, it turns out like this. And it would probably also help if you actually rhymed some of the stuff. 'Time' and 'fine' don't really rhyme, see? 'Fine' and 'sign' actually rhyme, so if they were in a poem, it would probably sound more professional.

[Queen of Rain]

So u've got a good idea.. the pledging Make valentines.. is great..
however you do the common fault of young poets and never separate the theme of the poem from the "plot" of the poem,.. this makes it simplistic and clichically selfpitying..
Last stanza is stuning.. thats the way to write! use more literary devices all through the text and it will get much better and much less cliché