Another Poem For Him

[Ramona]

I think this needs a lot of editting, because some parts feel like they were just stuck in there, it doesn't flow too well, it's just a stream of consciousness-type thing. Like Paul Simon (who rocks!) Anyway, any con-crit is really appreciated.

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I didn’t think I was naïve,
but isn’t that what it means?
Stopped talking,
started walking,
and I think you’re going
down the wrong path.

Unvoiced desires,
changed subjects.
Can’t touch you even in speech,
Just know how much I want to.

Still I miss you,
and the worst part is
you’re not even gone.

You’ve been there all along.

It’s not OK,
won’t be OK,
‘til one of us gets brave.
And there’s no guarantee
since you won’t even look at me.

Just another cliche love poem,
‘cept it wasn’t really love,
and it’s not something I’m proud of,
but, oh, how I wished it could be.

[Confusion]

wow! i love this!!!!! it's so powerful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love the title too 'another poem for him' it's so nice and simple!

i think the only bit of this poem i'm not so keen on is:

Still I miss you,
and the worst part is
you’re not even gone.

You’ve been there all along.

thought this was maybe a bit weak compared to the rest of the poem?

great job!!!

[Ramona]

I dunno, that was actually the only part I liked, ha ha, I thought the rest of the poem was kind of weak. But anway, thanks for commenting! I'm glad you liked it.

[Robin]

Stream of consciousness can be good sometimes. I think that here, it works. The only part I don't really like is

"since you won’t even look at me."

This sounds terribly cliche. I just didn't like it at all. The rest of the poem is whimsically cliche, but right here, it didn't work.

"Just another cliche love poem,"

I didn't really like this either. It was profound, and it's true that you don't see this written alot, but this kind of line is used just enough to make it seem really thin and cheesy.

Also, you rhyme in some places, and it doesn't really work for the consciousness stream thing. The rhyming probably wasn't intentional, but it's messes things up, all the same.

[Ramona]

I didn't like the "since you won't even look at me part, either, I was planning to scrap that and the line before it.

Ironic how the mention of "cliche" in this poem makes the poem cliche. I'll try to work on the random rhyming, and it wasn't intentional (just in case you were wondering.) Thanks for the crit.

[Robin]

Hey, irony can be good.

You just have to make sure the reader knows that you intended for the irony to happen, which is, in itself, ironic, because irony is when something happens that goes against previous expectations.