I Woke Up Saturday- modified

[ScarletMornings]

When my eyes open
I'm not the kind of girl who just closes them again
I don’t drift dreamily from sleep to wakefulness
I just open my eyes
and the day is begun
but when I woke up this morning
I languorously floated in sunshine
the flowing wake of Morpheus’ smile
and when I realized it
I was so startled I came awake with my familiar brisk transition
shocked at the untried smile stretching my mouth
the feline arch and release of my back I felt compelled to try
what was I doing?

And I thought about it
remembered
and then I thought about
the endless dreams and plans and hopes I'd held
and sighed that it was nothing compared to them
nothing
and yet
just right
it doesn’t have to be a production, I realized
as long as the feeling was there
but when I thought, long and hard
and retraced the ghostly paths that still tingled on my lips
I couldn’t believe that as innocent as I'd been
suddenly, I wasn’t
that I could no longer claim the ignorance of real beauty
keep pretending the things I'd glazed over with splendor were just as good
I couldn’t believe that I has finally joined the grace of romance
my mind boggled helplessly there in the sunshine
and I rejected it for a time

Ah, but memories are insubstantial
untouchable, unknowable, unthinkable to the solid world
I couldn’t hold them back and I'm afraid my body conspired against me
so I was remembering tiny details I never thought to own
the soft waves of your muddy river hair that never lay flat
the angel kiss of a freckle under your eye, by your nose
how warm and safe and good you smelt when I breathed you in
how gentle and young and awkward you tasted
it just brought home how imperfections fuse to form greatness
you held me carefully, like the gentleman I found you were
and I knew that I was changed
but I was unsure if I liked it

I never would’ve chose you for it
never tried to weave you into my dreams of it
it was always a figure shadowy and just out of reach
someone whose actions were more familiar than their face
yet I could trace yours in my sleep, now
and your voice is more soothing than an angel’s lullaby
it’s a good thing you chose to become a dream
or I think I might’ve waited forever
only for a shadowy love that would never arrive
the fact you apologized for destroying my dreams made it unnecessary
and rebuilt them with the words of apology that fell from sweet lips
they a dream I'd tasted for the first time
me being me, I whispered, panicked, of my ignorance
but you soothed me with frustration
I was needed enough that it was never important

But I woke up Saturday
my day of reflection
since it always seems to happen on a Friday
and realized that I'd finally changed my skin
shed and discarded a girl’s dreams
replaced it with a woman’s wonder
and yet, a girl’s dreams are still her treasure
for as a woman, she has much to learn
and what else would comfort you but memories of innocence
when you’re learning how to actually live?
and as I basked in the sunlight on my cool sheets
which I had last slept in with no more knowledge of it than a babe
I smiled with lips still tingling with the blessing of a first kiss

[ScarletMornings]

and yes, i did recently get my first kiss. i felt it was owed the honor of a poem. hope you all don't mind.

[Robin]

I thought of Semisonic when I read it. "Saturday morning alone and barely feeling, sitting at home after rocking and a-reeling all night in a cat fight with the only one who can make me cry." The meanings of the two songs are entirely different, of course, but it made me think of it all the same. Both songs are about a person waking up on Saturday and not quite remembering what they did that was so traumatic on Friday, but remembering it later. "I'm still mad but I can't remember why;" "the feline arch and release of my back I felt compelled to try//what was I doing?" I'm quite fond of Dan Wilson's take on this feeling, but yours is almost better. Instead of "rocking and a-reeling all night in a cat fight," the narrator of this poem (you, apparently) received their first kiss. It's sweeter, tenderer, and it definately reflects the differences in gender in the two authors. You're a girl - your poem reflects the gentler, feminine side of relationships: Dan Wilson is a boy - his song reflects the harsher, frustrating side of relationships.

I thought it was a great piece. There were, however, a few parts of it that I didn't quite like.

"I couldn’t believe that I had joined that scarlet and satin world of sweet sin"

This part doesn't really add up. I mean, I understand you were trying to show both sides of the first kiss, but it just sounds uncharacteristic. The narrator just had her first kiss: she's going to be over the moon about it and not really thinking about the sinful part of it. Staying in character is as important for the writer as it is for the actor.

"and your voice is more soothing than an angel’s lullaby"

This line was really elementary. It just wasn't up to the level of the rest of the poem. The introduction of the metaphor was poorly done, and the metaphor itself, while poetic enough, was just extraordinarily cliche, especially in comparison with the rest of the poem. I think in another poem, one that uses a language and voice that's on a lower floor, this line could be okay, and could even fit in, but here, it just doesn't.

[Ramona]

I like this a lot, however in these lines:
When my eyes open
there’s no disorientation
the word "disorientation" seems a bit misplaced.

[cry,crayola.]

ay-freakin-mayzing.

rowe, you've done it again. you've blown me away.

[ScarletMornings]

okay, i modified a little. i didn't really actually like the part about sin, but i was trying to convey the shock i was feeling that all of a sudden i'd been kissed. i don't know if i like the new part any better, but tell me what you think. ramona, i agreed about disorientation, so i fixed it. how is it now? and just as a note, a lot of this may sound cliche and not make much sense unless you know what happened and you the guy. so i apoligize if it is.

[Ramona]

I like the change you've made with the "disorientation" thing. The line really fits well into the piece.

[ScarletMornings]

anyone else?