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Post by Pseudomuse on Feb 7, 2006 17:19:19 GMT -8
You know you wanted it! I don't know if I am happy with the line breaks in this either. PM
the epigone
III.
((candle wax))
bruises, shimmering, honey-glazed tinged
violet on the edges. he smothers her in
candle wax. painting over the damage
done.
(if you can’t see it, it’s not there)
she sleeps for months, lost in
pomegranate dreams and
plucked flowers. but he abides
for her. the masterpiece of she
etched onto his heart.
only he sees her like this,
beyond the candle wax. when
it melts she comes to him and
he wishes or the clothes of the sun.
(helios, steal my fire. give me
back the darkness.)
for in the darkest day-light
she slips back to him and
lets him paint her wings.
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Post by Ramona on Feb 7, 2006 18:07:29 GMT -8
I like this, I think that the only stanza where the line breaks are awkward is in the first stanza. Only the "honey-clazed/ tinged" and "he smothers her in/ candle wax."
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Post by ScarletMornings on Feb 9, 2006 15:23:53 GMT -8
i think this is an end ot absolutely brilliant ummm series? of poems i guess? i don't know what you'd call it lol. but i ADORE THIS FANTASTICO! YAY FOR GREEK ROOTS!! YAAAAAY!!!
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Post by cry,crayola. on Feb 9, 2006 15:41:08 GMT -8
umm..... trilogy?
very nice. i applaud. *claps frantically*
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Post by Queen of Rain on Feb 10, 2006 21:25:53 GMT -8
good lord im jealous of your talent girl... your imagery and diction is so perfect, playful and painful.. beautiful work..
beyond the candle wax. when
it melts she comes to him and
he wishes or the clothes of the sun.
the rhythm in that piece is sooo brilliant.. there your breaks are amazing for the emphasis of your imagery..
when it comes to less successful linebreaks the second to last line becomes bumpy when ending with an And.
your attempt to create a pause with moving down done is briliant but we word done is a bit to round to succeed fully.
but in general its jsut pure brilliance
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Post by Robin on Feb 11, 2006 6:35:47 GMT -8
"bruises, shimmering, honey-glazed tinged
violet on the edges. he smothers her in
candle wax. painting over the damage
done. "
The line breaks here are awkward. The idea is brilliant, but you didn't portray it well. I had to read over it a couple of times before I "got" it, and while that just may be me, I figured it couldn't hurt to mention it. After all, I'm such a negative person.
"(if you can’t see it, it’s not there)"
Too cliche. That was the point of it, I understand, but you have to ease the reader into some cliches, especially if the content of the poem is more original.
"he abides
for her."
Unless you're using a meaning of abide that I don't know, this either doesn't make sense or doesn't fit into the poem. Is it supposed to mean 'he follows the laws for her' or what? It worked where you had it for the flow and voice and all, but it just didn't make sense.
"(helios, steal my fire. give me
back the darkness.) "
Mythological allusion doesn't fit into this part of the series. The 'pomegranate dreams' part was about as far as you should have gone. This part of the series just has a lot less mythological stuff. It doesn't really matter if the themes are mythological in orgin: most readers (including me) wouldn't notice if they were or not. Throwing in something like that just confuses.
"for in the darkest day-light
she slips back to him and
lets him paint her wings. "
This felt like a weak ending. The rest of the poem is pretty good, but this just sort of made it all go kerplat. The idea here is lovely, but you expressed it in a childish sort of way that didn't match the dark, sexy tone of the rest of the poem.
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Post by Pseudomuse on Feb 12, 2006 7:57:29 GMT -8
Thank you all, actually there is more I just haven't got around to typing it up yet. I think I have seven or eight planned out. PM
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