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Post by cry,crayola. on Feb 7, 2006 16:19:38 GMT -8
my little cliche.
you walk around with pride.
(my dear, that will go to your head)
with your sonnets of summer love
(songs grow old so quickly)
as you break hearts to a black oblivion
(things can be mended, dear)
and young ladies swoon at the sight of you
(they can learn to pick themselves up)
oh my sweet cliche.
the world is cruel to you
(everyone deals with trials, darling)
with it's scarlet dagger stabbing
(learn to fight back, coward)
all of your pretty little dreams shatter
(are you to prideful to put them back together?)
and rip your heart open
(you always wore that on your sleeve)
my foolish cliche.
you rant about the morning sky
(sunsets can only get you so far)
and eyes like morning dew
(are you saying i cry too much?)
your bouquet of roses
(in time, roses die, love)
and their scent so alluring
(but the senses are deceiving)
if only,
my dear,
my darling,
my love,
if only you could learn to get your head
out of the clouds
and into reality. |
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Post by cry,crayola. on Feb 7, 2006 16:36:31 GMT -8
i'm kinda liking this piece a whole bunch and i want to get it to it's full potential.
please, please, please leave really good constructive crit for me!!!!!
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Post by Pseudomuse on Feb 7, 2006 17:06:40 GMT -8
allright dahling, if you insist, I'll put it on my list.
PM
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Post by Ramona on Feb 7, 2006 18:38:20 GMT -8
I love the concept behind this one, and the little parenthesized after-thought-ish things.
Love this line:
"you rant about the morning sky"
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Post by Queen of Rain on Feb 7, 2006 22:13:46 GMT -8
my little cliche.
you walk around with pride.
(my dear, that will go to your head)
with your sonnets of (your) love - +an extra syllable would be great here+
(songs grow old so quickly)
as you break hearts to a black oblivion
(things can be mended (dear))
and young ladies swoon at the sight of you
(they can learn to pick themselves up)
oh my sweet cliche.
the world is cruel to you
(everyone deals with trials, darling)
with it's bloody knife stabbing +a more classic expression would sound better+
(learn to fight back, coward)
all of your pretty little dreams shatter
(are you to prideful to put them back together?)
and rip your heart open
(you always wore that on your sleeve)
+the stranza above is soooo brilliant+
my foolish cliche.
you rant about the morning sky
(sunsets can only get you so far) +amazing!!+
and eyes like the (delete) morning dew + one syullable too much+
(are you saying i cry too much?)
your bouquet of roses
(in time, roses die, love)
and their scent so alluring
(but the senses are deceiving) +great end of stanza+
if only,
my dear,
my darling,
my love,
if only you could learn to get your head
/of of the clouds + need more firm rhyhmical ending i suggest paragraph break+
and into reality
Tried so give a proper critic but mac makes my fonitng suck so its a bit improvised.. ++ is a comment and extra thihngs in parenthesis means i suggest a change there. (delete) mean i suggest the word before to be removed..
This is a truly brilliant piece my dear, accodring to me one of the best you ahgve written.. third stanza (the worlds cruel..) got such amazing rhyhtm!! hence i did a few changes in esp the first one as it was a bit bumby compared to the next ones!
diction is usually great, i suggested changin bloody knife because youj use wuite classical diction before this thus sth like dagger or similar would create a better connedtion to "ladies" and thus manliness...
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Post by kurai on Feb 8, 2006 4:44:51 GMT -8
I love this piece! The parenthesized idea was brilliant and unfortunately I'm not the best at poetry. So I can't really give any advice except for what has already been said. It has beautiful rhythm, and a wonderful idea.
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Post by cry,crayola. on Feb 8, 2006 19:57:16 GMT -8
hehe. thank you!
instead of bloody knife, what if i said crimson blade? would that sound better? and in the first stanza, i do agree it needs something more in the third line, but would putting a second 'your' mess things up? like make it sound awkward? agree with the line break in the last.
thank you soo much, queen. i really liked this one and i love how you helped me to improve. mucho props to you. *claps*
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Post by cry,crayola. on Feb 8, 2006 20:01:16 GMT -8
mmkay. i did tiny tiny modifications to it, but i still don't know what to do about 'bloody knife'.
help?
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Post by Queen of Rain on Feb 8, 2006 23:06:30 GMT -8
how about, black dagger? dagger is a classical word, makes people think shakespearian.. also that would create a nice assonance..
don't lie the word crimson, its pretty but overused sadly..
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Post by ScarletMornings on Feb 9, 2006 15:22:20 GMT -8
fantastic, love. and you know, you could use scarlet dagger, eh? eh? eh eh? lol, one thing tho, the part "are you to prideful to put them back together?" just sounds kind of off to me. maybe you could say proud enough? i just don't like the grammar of that part. otherwise, MUAH! i kiss my fingers to this beauty!
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Post by cry,crayola. on Feb 9, 2006 15:35:31 GMT -8
but that would kind of be the point, right? to use a cliche-ish overused word.
hmmm...... i do like dagger though.
scarlet would work, too.
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