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Post by Queen of Rain on Feb 5, 2006 18:11:54 GMT -8
So its slightly updated thanks to cookies4breakfast.. enjoy it morbidly and analyse on
Seems my death didn't come
in time for my funeral
I am so sorry my mourning kin
it seems such a hassle for you all
Oh all the arrangements
you made in my memory
the flowers and psalms and tears
the gothic beauty of black-dressed women
It seems such a hassle for you all
the way you had to glue my eylids together
so that it would look
as if I was peacefully asleep
And the endeavour of stuffing my mouth with cotton
so that I would not scream loud
when you lowered me into the ground
Hope it didn't take too much time
that way you tied my hands into a prayer
to make sure I would not slam on the heavy wood
I could just hear from outside the darkness
the humble mumbling of mourning souls
I am sorry, very sorry
And they whispered that dying is so easy
I am truly sorry
for not dying
when you wanted me to
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Post by cry,crayola. on Feb 5, 2006 19:15:41 GMT -8
wow. this is brilliant and i totally love it.
i'm a little rushed for time right now, so i'll come back to this later but right now all i have to say is that the first stanza seems a little choppy. maybe rewording it to help the flow?
like i said, i'll come back to this later. brilliant job.
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Post by Queen of Rain on Feb 5, 2006 20:27:59 GMT -8
Thank you, you're so right, reading through it i realise how weird that stanza is.. i'll change it when I've got the inspiration.. is writing a short story right now (and working how i can seize all my short stories together into a novel)
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Post by Confusion on Feb 6, 2006 6:03:31 GMT -8
wow! i love this!  |
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Post by ScarletMornings on Feb 6, 2006 15:39:25 GMT -8
i think this is morbidly brilliant. wonderful job. i'll comment more on it later but i'm a trifle pressed for time. wonderful tho
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Post by darktears on Feb 6, 2006 16:24:32 GMT -8
I like this so much, its absouletly gorgeous. The expression...I get this picture inside my mind and it's so wonderful. I love this its just wonderful. Nice job.
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Post by cry,crayola. on Feb 7, 2006 16:03:51 GMT -8
"Seems my death
didn't come
in time for my funeral
I am so sorry my mourning kin
it seems such a hassle for you all"
except for that awkward line break, this is brilliant. you did an amazing job describing this. the way you presented this blew me away. i jut like it a lot.
"the gothic beauty of black-dressed women"
once again, brilliance. by putting 'gothic' into there, i have a better image of her, but not too much unwanted description of the character.
"glue my eylids"
you're just on a roll with this amazing poetry thing here....
"And the endeavour of stuffing my mouth with cotton
so that I would not scream loud
when you lowered me into the ground"
ok, i think this feels a little out of place. either more needs to be added so it can seem more like a complete thought, or it can be put with the stanza infront of it. i just don't think it feels right all by itself.
"tied my hands into a prayer"
have i told you how amazing you are before??? pure beauty. this right here is amazing. brilliant job.
"I am sorry, I am sorry"
i don't think i've ever really enjoyed repitition right next to eachother like this. it's never felt right to me before. the flow is off, but i understand the importance of it. what if you went,
"I am sorry.
truly, utterly sorry."
or something? i dunno...... whatever you feel best.
you ended with a very strong ending, which is exactly what this piece called for. your exectution throughout was amazing and, well not to seem redundant but, brilliant. i'm in love with this. you have done a stunning job here. bravo.
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Post by Queen of Rain on Feb 7, 2006 16:25:43 GMT -8
thnx
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