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Post by somewhatpoetic on Feb 3, 2006 21:37:40 GMT -8
eh...i think i'm havning trouble with the flow. This isn't too great...but i kinda like it....feel free to critic! I don't really like the title either.
What is religion..?
thud, thud echoes through the small church
as children flinch
my stomach boils
rage rises in my throat
as hands raise toward sky
hands that deal in hell
angel tears stain the earth
as crosses burn
millions have burned
Infections flows through communion
as mouthes open in praise
eyes wide with fear
"What is religion?" a small boy asks...
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Post by behindTHEmask on Feb 3, 2006 21:53:36 GMT -8
It feels that most of it was forced together to get your point across - like the words weren't coming fomr you. I mean, I know you wrote them, but I don't feel any attatchment to them. I don't feel the point you're trying to make.
Is it children not understanding/being taught religion?
Is it parts of society disowning religion?
I think you should make the title something that's not in the poem.
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Post by Queen of Rain on Feb 4, 2006 9:45:50 GMT -8
Ok so you've got a great idea here, its could be really powerful but it jst comes out as totally plain!
The lines youj use could be used in any religion-related poem, i think you should are to be mroe provocative in this one, use rhyhtm to emphasise things and stuff
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Post by Robin on Feb 4, 2006 11:01:21 GMT -8
"thud, thud echoes through the small church
as children flinch
my stomach boils"
This is really childish. It sounds like something my nine year old sister would write.
"rage rises in my throat
as hands raise toward sky
hands that deal in hell"
Powerful idea, poor execution.
"angel tears stain the earth
as crosses burn
millions have burned"
Using 'burn' and 'burned' twice in the same stanza sounds really repetitive and irritating. It just cheapens the poem.
"Infections flows through communion
as mouthes open in praise
eyes wide with fear"
This is slightly better than the rest of the poem, but it still lacks something. It's like Stevie Wonder without a piano.
""What is religion?" a small boy asks..."
I like this line, but it doesn't tie in with the rest of the poem.
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Post by cry,crayola. on Feb 4, 2006 14:03:40 GMT -8
it just needs to connect more. you've got this great idea, it just needs to be played up to it's potential. the last line is just sort of out there. build up towards it, because it's a strong point that needs to be brought out.
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