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Post by Confusion on Feb 3, 2006 16:33:26 GMT -8
Goodbye my past
my fitful woes
torment my tears
at least for now
while you lay
beside me softly
practical strangers
yet today
i know you so well
your gentle touch
coress my fingertips
i feel you so well
practical strangers
love me on the seventh day
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Post by Queen of Rain on Feb 4, 2006 9:49:32 GMT -8
Firt i didn't like it at all but then in the end youj knock me down dead, great job there.. thing is this poem is perfection from the 4th stanza, howerer the tear fear rhyme is so cliche teh point between the lines falls away.. my recomendation is to revise the beginning and you'll ahve a brilliant poem
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Post by Robin on Feb 4, 2006 10:54:07 GMT -8
I like the first line, but not much else of it. It seems really forced, and it doesn't get much of a point across. You have to have some profound lines, and not just a profound idea. Profound ideas don't get people anywhere: it's expressing them that helps you feed your pussycat.
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Post by Queen of Rain on Feb 5, 2006 9:11:06 GMT -8
By telling her she sucks, hope that makes u feel really great, robin - that was not constructive critisism.. just because people write poetry different from your style doesn't mean it lacks a point.. or maybe it doesn't ahve a point because the focus of the poem lies in creating a certain tone adn feeling, aq jsut as big part of poetry..
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Post by cry,crayola. on Feb 5, 2006 11:16:57 GMT -8
i think the rhyme of tear and fear kinda messed up the image you've set up, but other than that, i enjoyed this very much. brilliant job!
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Post by Confusion on Feb 6, 2006 6:02:27 GMT -8
thank you all for the comments! this is the first poem i've written in quite a while and it's taking me some time to get back into poetry writing!
i've edited this a bit.... i duno if there has been any improvement or not?? any comments / suggestions welcome!
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Post by Robin on Feb 7, 2006 15:25:38 GMT -8
Uh...queenofrain, in case you haven't noticed, you aren't being such a good example, yourself. Berating me about how "harsh" and "mean" I am isn't going to make my criticism any more constructive.
You seem to have a pretty warped perception of constructive. I don't have to wrap everything I say in kind words for it to be constructive. Not all of us have the time to go and do that.
I wish you'd stop picking fights with me about this. It's just clogging up the boards with worthless things.
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Post by cry,crayola. on Feb 7, 2006 15:43:55 GMT -8
while you lay
beside me softly
this seems a little choppy. maybe rewording it to where you could fit a line break in there and it would be more comfortable?
your gentle touch
coress my fingertips
same here. and i do believe it's caress. but i'm not sureee.....
love me on the seventh day
whoa...... talk about your powerful finishes. i absolutly love this line. it blew me away. it was a very strong finish and totally topped this poem you've created with justice.
i can't really remember how it was before you revised this, so i'll just say that this is totally awesome and i'm completely loving it! yay! *claps*
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Post by Ramona on Feb 8, 2006 9:01:34 GMT -8
I didn't really like the first stanza, but the second had some fantastic concepts in it, though I do believe it could do with some more adjectives? But that's just my taste.
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Post by Confusion on Feb 8, 2006 12:11:34 GMT -8
thanks for all of your comments - all have been very helpful and i think my writer's block might be gradually 'un-blocking'!! this poem defiantely needs a lot of work which i'll do soon.. i was thinking of extending on it but editing the first stanza a lot?
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