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Post by Queen of Rain on Jan 27, 2006 20:30:50 GMT -8
its revised...
right now my poems are very biographical in a way (thus some weird imagery), so this piece might be hard to comprehend at times, but I hope and believe that if the reader puts enough time to analyse it it will at least fall to places for the reader personally. heere you go my darlings, sorry for my honesty..
Times of the unslippery truth
Seventhousandsevenhundredtwenty kilometers
of oceans and land
with songs of reality and love
Yet I have not written
a single word
regarding the way
my body relents to yours
I have not desired
because that reality requires
no further description
than the shivers you send
The words sipper through my hands
that tremble for your touch
They can't describe your body
they only know its softness
its beauty
its truth
I only long for your seduction
- as wordless as secrets
Yet my lips now form words
to write us away
from our intoxicating absence
- the reality of this prose
We are lovers
in the true aspect
of contemporary life
Where finally souls and bodies
find peace in symbiosis
Asketism is now our choice as oceans linger
between me and my lover
Singled souls now carry
the impossible mission
of substituting all their desires
One survives,
but suffers in silence
I still can hear your breath
I can wish you pleasant sleep
but seventhousandsevenhundredtwenty kilometers
do make a difference you know
because I cannot reach out
and touch your unarmed body
Love with distance
does not make me suffer
Because its all true and within us
But I can't touch
your morning dreams,
and sorry for my honesty
but right there lies
the inevitable pain
The rest
is just reality
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Post by Pseudomuse on Jan 28, 2006 6:00:34 GMT -8
I really want to crit this, but am too strung out on caffeine right now to put together something intelligible. But I really like this. I'll look at this again when I'm more balanced out.
PM
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Post by Ramona on Jan 31, 2006 8:51:39 GMT -8
I liked the imagery in this, but some parts (like the second and third stanzas) seem so plain compared to the rest of the poem.
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Post by Queen of Rain on Feb 4, 2006 9:42:42 GMT -8
Yes I really don't like the third stanza at all, and should work on hte diction in the 2nd.
thanks for ur critisism!
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Post by Robin on Feb 7, 2006 15:19:33 GMT -8
If I were you, I'd make the language here consistant. The stanzas are all very good, but they don't fit together. You're trying to jam square pegs into round holes, and it's not working out that well.
The stanza that sticks out the worst is the seventh one. You use words that are above the vocabulary level of the rest of the poem, and it doesn't really do much to accentuate to the meaning of said stanza, it just makes it look rather bad.
Also, I think you use helping words a lot. Words like 'however' and 'yet' and 'also' are good, but not if they're used in excess. 'Yet' was a word that I found you overused.
The last thing that aggravated me was the third to last stanza. 'Reach out and touch your unarmed body' just sounds kind of unneccesary. 'Reach out and touch you,' or something to that effect, would have worked, but what you have seems like a last ditch attempt to get across some half-baked idea that wouldn't fit into the poem at that point anyways.
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Post by Pseudomuse on Feb 7, 2006 17:02:51 GMT -8
hmmm... I am more balanced out now, if I ever was in first place. I am displeased at reading Robin's comments and your reaction. I am not condeming anyone for their thoughts, but just like Thumper in Bambi said 'if you can't think of something nice, don't say anything at all', or something like that, I feel that works in all facets of life. Especially considering someone's art. Be kind. Though to be honest, Robin was harsh saying exactly what she thought about it, and everyone has freedom of speech, it could have been done differently and backed up, as any argument should. But anyways that's over, here's my critique.
Seventhousandsevenhundredtwenty kilometers - I love how you have jammed the numbers together making it more power
of oceans and land
with songs of reality and love - I have this image of a girl sitting in an airplane seat, jamming to her music on her ipod or discman
Yet I have not written
a single word
about the way my body
surrenders to yours - not sure I like 'surrenders', maybe molds or relents, I think it has something to do with how it sounds
I have not desired
because that reality requires
no further description
than the shivers you send - although the diction in this stanza and the previous are more plain than the others I like them, especially how the way this one flows. I would consider joining both the second and the third into one.
The words sipper through my hands
that tremble for your touch
They can't describe your body
they only know its softness - I love those last lines 'they can't describe your body/they only know its softness, wow, nice!
its beauty
its truth
I only long for your seduction
- as wordless as secrets - I feel the first 'as' is superflouous.
Yet my lips now form words
to write us away
from intoxicating absence
- the reality in this prose - I would add, an 'is' in this line, so it becomes 'the reality is in this prose'
We are lovers
in the true aspect
of contemporary life
Where finally souls and bodies
find peace in symbiosis
Asketism is now our choice as oceans linger
between me and my lover
Singled souls now carry
the impossible mission
of substituting all their desires - wow, I have a long distance relationship and this is so true, so true
One survives,
but suffers in silence - exactly
I still can hear your breath
I can wish you pleasant sleep
but seventhousandsevenhundredtwenty kilometers
do make a difference you know
because I cannot reach out
and touch your unarmed body
Love with distance
does not make me suffer
Because its all true and within us - I would put a line break after that and spilt this into two stanzas, like this ->
But I can't touch
your morning dreams,
and sorry for my honesty
but right there lies
the inevitable pain
The rest
is just reality - nice simple ending, brava, c'est finis!
Some overall notes -
1. I don't usually advise people on punctuation because I myself am pretty shitty with it, but I feel this poem could only be that much better with it. Seperate your ideas with periods, commas, semi-colons.
2. I love the idea, because as I said I share a long distance relationship, and I get so much from this because of it. I dunno, I just really like it. Though it can be improved, brava. Good luck on that.
PM
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Post by Queen of Rain on Feb 7, 2006 18:39:19 GMT -8
Thank you Pseudo, im so pleased that you directly recognise the long distance relationship thing, so glad im not alone in my thoughts.
Also "a girl sitting in an airplane seat, jamming to her music on her ipod".. so amazing cos the root of this poem came form me sitting in an airplane seat taking me Seventhousand sevenhundred twenty kilometers away form my guy..
I took away my reply to robin because i did overreact a bit, especially as this piece took me so long time to write and its really personal... but for the rest of you, it said that critisism that isn't constructive is kinda useless..
becuase honestly, people just end up defending the piece!
I love the way you give critisism pseudo as it points out both weak and storn parts, so taht i know what to work on..
Again, thanks pseudo for taking the time to put some analysis and critisism in.. and not telling me i'm a moron for not being a romantic fool, cos this poem is my reality, not being able to express my emotions through touch kills me...
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Post by Queen of Rain on Feb 10, 2006 21:35:29 GMT -8
its revised some in the weaker parts..
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