A Mistake That Changed

[ScarletMornings]

Based loosely on a series I read, i'm not sure about it.. crit please?


You asked about my dreams
Dreams?
What are dreams?
I've unrequited adored you so long
I forgot I was allowed to have them
at least, I think I am

But the poets lie
hope doesn't spring eternal
I've woke up looking in your eyes
one too many times
to believe in anything
except the fact I will keep on loving you
longer than anyone but God himself can imagine
people wonder if I'm bitter
I don't know
I just direct them to you
you've held my heart so long
I figure you'd know better than I

Sometimes you start to tell me
you wish it would've been different
And I walk away
sick of being nothing but someone's wistful regret
you ever think something won't matter,
come hell or high water,
and find out you thought wrong?
Lord knows I've made enough mistakes
my love, my life
yes, I can handle mistakes
but not regrets, mistakes gone bitter
you can bet I'll walk away

But it wouldn't change the fact I made a mistake
miscalculated on my naive little abacus
guess you could say you had me from hello
though I've been yours since a time so distant
God has forgotten it
but, come hell or high water, I'll walk away
leave behind mistakes turning to regrets
gently as fire burns the leaves on a cool October day
guess I can't quite bear to see them fall

But it's not going to matter if what I thought was wrong
I'd take back my dreams, my heart if I could
but whatever I am, it's no thief
you'll understand, I think
goodbye says it all

[Queen of Rain]

I adore the idea in this poem, it evolves really well.
The second stanza is perfection, its rhythm is just so outstandingly amazing!
Dictionary is at times excellent (two alst stanzas) but you really sould work on the wording at times, i know you can be mroe poetic, which would be good here, in for example the third stanza

[Ramona]

sick of being nothing but someone's wistful regret
Beautiful line. Awesome.

come hell or high water
This line just seems a bit too blunt for this poem.

guess I can't quite bear to see them fall
Great line. "Guess" brings back the more casual tone of the poem.

you'll understand, I think
goodbye says it all
I think the end seems a little abrupt but it's still very good.

[Robin]

"You asked about my dreams
Dreams?
What are dreams?
I've unrequited adored you so long
I forgot I was allowed to have them
at least, I think I am"

As a start, I was kind of tentative about liking this part. It's not that it isn't strong or anything, but it feels like it should be somewhere around the middle, not right at the beginning. It interests, but before I read the rest of the stanza, I was bracing myself to dislike this piece. However, it's a very insightful stanza, and I love it. The only part I didn't like was the "I've unrequited adored you so long" line. It sounded...awkward? It felt like you mixed up your words.

"But the poets lie
hope doesn't spring eternal"

Excellent. It was just dark enough, without being all 'omgz im cutting miself cuz ur not heeerrreeee' dark. Je s'aime.

"longer than anyone but God himself can imagine"

This felt awkward. The poem has a dreamy, fuzzy, NeverEnding Story kind of feel about it. Hearing this was like hearing that nasty squawker in the NeverEnding Story II ruining all the somber moments by trying to molest Jonathan Brandis.

"people wonder if I'm bitter
I don't know
I just direct them to you
you've held my heart so long
I figure you'd know better than I"

Greatness. This had a duel meaning to me. At first, it was kind of sobering, but after the meaning of it sank in, I giggled a little, because it reminded me of Phil and April Margera. "Ape! What's my favorite color?"

"And I walk away
sick of being nothing but someone's wistful regret"

Sweet. I'd only cut out the word 'wistful.' It doesn't quite fit in.

"Lord knows I've made enough mistakes
my love, my life
yes, I can handle mistakes
but not regrets, mistakes gone bitter
you can bet I'll walk away"

Rock momennnnntttt. You made my day with these lines. And my day was already pretty darn awesome.

"miscalculated on my naive little abacus"

Too many big words in one line. It's a wacky molestation adventure all over again.

"gently as fire burns the leaves on a cool October day"

I like where this line leads, but not the line itself. It's a piece of very overused, albeit powerful, imagery, and it just breaks the rhythm.

"but whatever I am, it's no thief
you'll understand, I think
goodbye says it all"

Excellente, amigo.