slow and easy may not win.....

[cry,crayola.]

As we go along,
our lives pressing forward,
I seem as if I'm slowing down
as you continue to progress.

It's like we're in a race, see.
Your running toward the end,
My, you run so fast;
too fast for me to catch up with you.
I fear I'll always be stuck in the back.

Your arms pumping,
hair flowing,
that winning smile caressing your face.
You're so close to the finish line.
I can barely see you from here.

Me, just a tortoise, trying to keep up,
but you, Darling,
so much more clever than the hare.
You know you're going to win.
You've got your speech all prepared.

But then I see you stumble.
Your body's on the ground
as so many people pass you
You had it set, Dear.
That prize was yours.

I finally get to you and try to help you up.
Darling, grab my hand.
Please let me help you.
I still love you.
I always have and always will.

I asked that you didn't hurt yourself.
"Don't go too fast" I said.
Slow and easy.
Darling, I wasn't going to win,
But I'm not lying on the ground, am I?

I have my tortoise shell to protect me,
but you're so vulnerable.
Next time, promise me you'll go slower.
Then you won't get hurt.

[ScarletMornings]

i really adore the theme of this and the emotion in it is obvious and very beautiful.
i think the first three stanzas have a really nice idea, but maybe you could spice up the language a little, and put a comma after the my, you run so fast.
i really really adore the fourth stanza, possibly my favorite, i esp. like the part about the hare.
fifth and sixth stanzas are good, i really like
"you had it set, dear.
that prize was yours"
because i think it plays well with the idea of the hare and the tortoise.

and the sixth stanza is a trifle cliche, i suppose, but it feels right to me because the emotion is there and you just lay it out and the reader can feel it so vividly and it makes cliche all right because it's what your feeling. people can crit about how cliche something is, but i think sometimes we forget that even if it's a common everyday emotion, it's still emotion and feelings, and i don't think you can really call those cliche.

the seventh stanza is wonderful, i love the regret and the wisdom in it, it has a mature tone i like, it's almost like an "i told you so", except it's more just out of loving regret, if that makes sense.

i don't like how short the last stanza is, it needs a little more in my opinion to tie the whole thing together.
but basically i adore this poem and the theme.

and cindy? don't worry about me, okay?

[Robin]

Sounds like Atalanta without the golden apples.

I like it.

[cry,crayola.]

i think i just may nix the sixth stanza then...... i dunno.

[ScarletMornings]

NO! no nixing of the sixth! don't nix the sixth because it gives so much emotion and a lot of insight into the poem!

[darktears]

Oh, I like this. I like the whole idea of it. It's very well written. Nicely done.

[Ramona]

I like this a lot but I think that it would be better with grammatically correct capitalization.

[cry,crayola.]

ok, i fixed the capitalizations and added two lines on the last stanza. yay or nay?

[Ramona]

Yay!

[ScarletMornings]

YAY!!! though, anal retentively i must point out that in the second stanza, second line, it should be you're not your! he. he he.

[Ramona]

Anal retentively...ha ha...anal.

[Pseudomuse]

Definite Yea! on this one dear. I thought I posted a message on this earlier, oh well, going out of my mind already. I really liked the line about the narrator being the tortoise and the other far more clever than the hare. Cool Illustrated Aesop's pictures in my head now.

In the Seventh Stanza, the whole 'But I'm not on the ground', the 'am I?' seems a little superfluous. Like you don't really need those words.

Bravo! PM