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Post by Confusion on Jan 17, 2006 13:25:37 GMT -8
Cry the oceans
Fill my pain
There is nothing left
Of that we claim
Flee self-doubt
Let pride saw high
Free this bird
This midnight sky
For none shall cry
Upon the night we die
‘I am an angel
See my wings?’
A vision
Or merely your obsession
This is how I dream
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Post by Confusion on Jan 17, 2006 13:27:19 GMT -8
i posted this poem quite recently but from a few of the comments it was clear the title needed changing so i've re-posted it under the new title (thanx everyone who helped with ideas for the title!) this isn't my favourite of poems that i've written.. but could probs be improved a bit anyways...
all comments and suggestions very much appreciated!
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Post by Robin on Jan 17, 2006 16:09:41 GMT -8
"Cry the oceans
Fill my pain
There is nothing left
Of that we claim"
Sounds like a rip-off of 'cry me a river' right there. I didn't really like how generic worked in here.
"Flee self-doubt"
Good.
"Let pride saw high
Free this bird
This midnight sky
For none shall cry
Upon the night we die"
Ah, too much rhyming. I like rhyming, but this is super concentrated. It's like on the Lost Boys:
"I bet you hate garlic, don't you?"
"No, I LIKE garlic, but this is too much. This is RAW garlic!"
Spread things out, babe.
"A vision
Or merely your obsession
This is how I dream"
I like this ending. It's profound.
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