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Post by Confusion on Jan 17, 2006 13:19:09 GMT -8
Spinning through this maze of love / hate
My blind eyes wept, this silent scream
Through empty dreams
A tearful cry
.YOU.
Sat on a bench
A bench
The bench
Will it?
Blind to the world
I'll think to love you
Think, weave this warped beginning
We only know what's done
Once we stumble
Fall
Broken vital parts
Pitiful adolescences loves
Sober once more
I'll count the stitches
How many more times?
How many more?
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Post by Confusion on Jan 17, 2006 13:21:35 GMT -8
i already posted this, quite a while ago now, but i was looknig through my poems and thought this is probably the best i have written?.. just wanted some opinions on it really, so thought i would re-post it.
i havent been posting poems very much really... i've had a sort of writer's block.... lots has changed since my old poems, in life, and ... i don't know really... to me it just seems that my style of poetry needs to change too... dunno if that makes sense to anyone, but hey!
please comment on this poem, thanx!
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Post by Robin on Jan 17, 2006 16:07:28 GMT -8
"Spinning through this maze of love / hate
My blind eyes wept, this silent scream
Through empty dreams
A tearful cry
.YOU. "
This first stanza is very generic. I also dislike the whole 'love/hate' thing. I know that you probably like it that way, but I find that using too many special characters in your poems can be distracting to the reader, and cheapens your idea.
"Sat on a bench
A bench
The bench
Will it? "
That didn't much make sense, but perhaps that was the point. I don't really see how the bench imagery fits in with the rest of the poem, though.
"Think, weave this warped beginning
We only know what's done
Once we stumble
Fall "
Ouch. Majorly generic, and lukewarm.
"Broken vital parts
Pitiful adolescences loves "
Love broken vital parts, hate 'pitiful adolescences loves.'
"Sober once more
I'll count the stitches"
This is the most profound line in the piece. I like it.
"How many more times?
How many more?"
Mmm. I don't know if I like this. It feels kind of whiny.
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Post by Confusion on Jan 18, 2006 13:33:03 GMT -8
well this poem to me represented a very difficult time... i was quite proud of it and thought i had done a good job.. not so sure now, but thank you for your comments.
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Post by somewhatpoetic on Jan 26, 2006 19:56:54 GMT -8
the poems ok....i didn't really get the bench part, though.
but i have to say..i'm in LOVE with the titile!
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Post by Queen of Rain on Jan 27, 2006 20:21:35 GMT -8
O Robin is crushing people how great, hope she makes us all feel really horrible so she can be proud...
I really liked the uniquness of the piece in structure and diction..
TO be honest I don't liek the bench part, it doesn't quite make sense and dowsn't sound good poetically..
However the questions adn the short stanzas create a great rhythm
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