sylph-an

[Pseudomuse]

I am not so sure on some of the stanza and if they sound ackward or not, so on that...please tear apart to your hearts desire. I would really appreciate some contrustive critism on this.

PM

*FYI*
sylph: an elemantal being that inhabits the air; fairy, spirte.

more info on why I chose this title click en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sylph.

*

sylph-an

damask silk
the ripples
ivory skin
sinful meanderings
of erotic vision

ruby-red
dotted crimson
lips pout
playfully upwards
glinting at jade-shades

emerald eyes
large, round
beaming orbs
bright light
sunshard
sunshade

tar stained
batting cilium
matching shorn tangle
mussed, mused
shock of raven lore

dark night
flight
shimmering iridencents
butterfly breaks

many pieces of a broken mirror

shattered bottle
sea-glass-green
leaving only tainted faerie dust

absinthe
i call him
absinthe

[cry,crayola.]

it all seems a little off on rhythm. all of it. i wanna say choppy, but not to the full effect. it just doesn't flow very well.

"dark night
flight"

that one really killed me. i dunno. it seems sooo off.

"sinful meanderings
of erotic vision"

i liked this one, though. brilliant.

[Pseudomuse]

It's supposed to be choppy, I know it makes it weird to read, but that's how the thang flows. Maybe I'll extrapolate, make another flowyer, or maybe it just needs some punctuation.

PM

[Robin]

I didn't really like it. I like the vocabulary and wording used here, but not how it's used. It doesn't just feel choppy, but it also feels incomplete and skimpy, like you just wrote down some words.

[Pseudomuse]

hmmm... I see what you are saying Robin. I am re-writting this. I saw him, but it doesn't work if your audience doesn't.

[Robin]

It just needs some filler.

If it has some fluff in it, the audience will be able to see the person you're describing as clearly as you do.