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Post by Queen of Rain on Jan 13, 2006 12:20:50 GMT -8
Seems the great poets wrote
when were waiting for something
Breathing in breathing out
waiting for a turn of the tide
Like the departed lover
ready to return
for a tear or two
or death in its purest form
So natural I guess
that you would not write about fear
You would frown If you knew
I do completely lack drama
writing out of boredom
I'm afraid I cannot be
more tragic than this
I'm just waiting endless hours
for my connecting flight
to take me to the place
that'll explain what we're really waiting for
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Post by Ramona on Jan 13, 2006 17:15:35 GMT -8
"ready to return
for a tear or two"
I love these lines.
I think in the second stanza, fifth line, the "I guess" seems kind of unnecessary and it kind of breaks the rhythm, too.
"I do totally lack drama"
I think "totally" kind of breaks the rhythm, and the phrase is somewhat awkwardly worded.
"I'm just waiting endless hours
for my connecting flight
to take me to the place
that'll explain what I've
been waiting for"
Very nice images here.
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Post by Robin on Jan 13, 2006 17:47:07 GMT -8
"Seems all we poets write
when were waiting for something"
Nice statement; insightful, but not particularly true. It does have a nice ring, though.
"waiting for a turn of the tide"
This is a pretty cliche piece of imagery. I think there are better metaphors to express waiting. Butterflies to hatch from the pupa, Santa Claus to slide down the chimney (although religious imagery is sometimes a no-no, depending on the audience), or a car about to hit a hapless pedestrian.
"So natural I guess
that you would not write about fear"
This feels rather...choppy. Like it's not supposed to be there. Also, having 'fear' and 'tear' in the same stanza creates an unconscious rhyme (although in no particular pattern) and can, in the right circumstances, make the poem seem a little childish. While the topic here is far from juvenile, that combination of words watered it down considerably.
"You would frown If you knew
I do totally lack drama
writing out of boredom"
I don't like the use of the word 'totally' here. It breaks the mature, post-modern voice of the rest of the poem. Boredom does the same. I'd suggest a...uh..."bigger" word. Apathy, perhaps, but that would be a little pre-modern.
"I'm just waiting endless hours
for my connecting flight"
Much better than the tide imagery.
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Post by Queen of Rain on Jan 14, 2006 13:23:27 GMT -8
Thank you so much for the critisism.. I'll see when I get time to revise this piece again.. but your really right in your comments!
In fact I did write this on the frankfurt airport, waiting endless hours for my connecting flight...
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Post by cry,crayola. on Jan 15, 2006 17:48:31 GMT -8
all my crit has been mentioned! all i have to say now is that the rhythm broke in some places and is awkward in others. maybe even a little choppy, but not so much that its terribly short. if ya smoothen it up in some places, this could turn out really nicely!
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Post by Queen of Rain on Jan 22, 2006 13:12:04 GMT -8
revised..
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Post by ScarletMornings on Jan 24, 2006 15:25:15 GMT -8
i love this!
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Post by cry,crayola. on Jan 26, 2006 15:06:58 GMT -8
much better revised, i think. earlier, it just seemed as you were just trying to write things down. just a lot of ideas on paper. now it seems more pulled together.
in the last stanza, it seems sort of choppy in places. not that bad, though.
there needs to be some commas in certain places, too.
that's about it for me. sorry i can't give more. : ( good job, though.
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Post by Queen of Rain on Jan 27, 2006 13:44:51 GMT -8
Thank you
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