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Post by Ramona on Jan 13, 2006 7:51:26 GMT -8
I do eventually wish to extend this, it's about a friend of mine. Just wondering what you think of what I have so far. ----- electrically simple
this bright comet-boy
stuck among the stars
like he didn’t belong
reach out, boy, and grab her gaze
hold it tight
she’s afraid to look into your eyes
for too long
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Post by Pseudomuse on Jan 13, 2006 8:02:00 GMT -8
I really like what you have so far dear. The first line brings such imagery to the piece, at first glance. In the second stanza, the third line, I think the [into your eyes] is superflous, I think it would flow better if you took that out, but that's just my feeling.
I hope this helped. I also think you could play with some styllistic things when you finish the actual writing like italizing [this] in the second line and such.
Looking forward to seeing the rest of this.
PM
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Post by Ramona on Jan 13, 2006 10:43:59 GMT -8
Thank you very much. I thought the "for too long" might've been unneccessary at first, also, but I really wanted to convey the fact that she wasn't afraid to look into his eyes at all, but only to look into them for too long.
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Post by Pseudomuse on Jan 13, 2006 11:58:56 GMT -8
maybe that last should be -
"she's afraid to look
for far too long"
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Post by Robin on Jan 13, 2006 17:50:54 GMT -8
It falls a little flat, like it should be much longer.
I don't particularly like the "like he didn't belong" part. It just feels squeezed in there and forced.
The second stanza just feels like it doesn't belong in the poem at all, although I have the feeling that once you add some to it, it might fit in more.
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Post by Ramona on Jan 13, 2006 17:53:55 GMT -8
Yeah, I plan to extend it. Thanks for the crit.
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Post by somewhatpoetic on Jan 14, 2006 0:14:26 GMT -8
i think you have a good begining and it makes me really want to see how the ending will turn out
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Post by Ramona on Jan 14, 2006 11:05:04 GMT -8
Thank you.
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Post by cry,crayola. on Jan 15, 2006 17:53:03 GMT -8
i love the first stanza. theres such great imagery it just wants to make me read the rest of it. but then i hit the next one, and it feels as if it should belong to another poem, or at least it was a little misplaced. i think it could be placed later on into the poem, or eased into rather than jumping from this brilliant imagery to not-so-brilliant words in lines. (< that was a little extreme, but i dunno, it just feels really really out of place to me. call me crazy......)
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