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Post by somewhatpoetic on Jan 11, 2006 17:03:40 GMT -8
How Ironic
How ironic he now loves
my best lover
lovely secretes are whispered,
on the outside
my face pressed on the window
Her body meshes with his
so perfectly
way mine never imagined
jealous of them
Stomaches burst with excitement
creates their bliss
creates my private anguish
fake shell of joy
I walk under waterfalls
their tears splash on
my face to mix with my own
their faint pity
ok...so its now changed..hopefully for the better..?
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Post by Robin on Jan 11, 2006 17:08:55 GMT -8
This has really awkward line breaks.
I don't really have anything else to say about this. The imagery is okay, and the idea portrayed is unoriginal, but it's not completely bad, either.
I'm having a blah day, I guess.
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Post by somewhatpoetic on Jan 11, 2006 17:32:25 GMT -8
ya...i'm experimenting with diffrent types of rhyming scemes or whatever it is...and in this one it was 7 sylables and then 4 sylables if i did all my counting rite..which i'm pretty sure i am...but anyways...ya i know...AGAIN, this one isn't all that great
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Post by Ramona on Jan 11, 2006 17:38:08 GMT -8
Yes, it does have rather awkward line breaks and a somewhat cliche topic. But it's not completely terrible. The second stanza is pretty good.
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Post by behindTHEmask on Jan 11, 2006 19:06:49 GMT -8
I think the first two stanzas are somewhat cliche along with words like 'soft love'. If you use different metaphors - absurd ones that come from a new perspective, the piece will be much better.
The last stanzas were stronger with originality. Your word choice stands out to me more.
The biggest awkward line break I saw was:
"perfectly the
way mine never imagined"
Don't end the line with 'the'. It creates a weak point. Way would flow better, too.
You have a good thing here, I just think it needs more figurative language and better word choice.
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Post by ScarletMornings on Jan 12, 2006 14:03:53 GMT -8
my favorite part was the last stanza. no crit because everyone else has already pointed it out. but i think this has good potential. just work with it a little.
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Post by cry,crayola. on Jan 12, 2006 16:04:13 GMT -8
ditto with sara
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Post by somewhatpoetic on Jan 14, 2006 0:28:18 GMT -8
ok...hopefully the line breaks and the clicheyness is better
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Post by cry,crayola. on Jan 15, 2006 17:56:41 GMT -8
the line breaks are tons better. i think it starts out real strong, although, and gets a tad bit weaker as it comes to an end. this has amazing potential, and i don't think you've quite reached it yet. keep working on it, if ya like. i'd really be interested in reading it when its at its absolute best, because i know you can make it utterly astounding.
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