Talent

[Robin]

This is just an odd, short little piece I wrote. I liked the rhythm and the idea in it, so I thought I'd share it with you guys and see what you thought.

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Distracting imagery, haunting rhymes.
Your writing's always ahead of the times.
But mine stays abreast,
And you all know the rest:
I'm never gonna be no Shakespeare.

[Ramona]

The rhythm is indeed very nice, it makes the poem stick with you more. I do like the last line, because of the double negative you put in there to emphasize the Shakespeare point. All in all, very nice.

[Robin]

Thanks.

Anything that you didn't really like about it?

[Ramona]

I dunno, I think the almost a Limerick" scheme kind of made it seem too cutesy. But other than that it was good.

[cry,crayola.]

i agree with ramona with it being to cutesy.... ( i think that's a very interesting word, btw) other than that, it's pretty nifty to me!

[Queen of Rain]

First i didn't like it at all, i didn't see the creation point of the poem.. however when thinking one more time i started to see how positivism meets negativism thus making sense (even though i dont do that at the moment, soz inm really jetlagged)
I do not think you use the rhythm to the full potential, the shortness in the thirds line sort of makes it fast and therefore unserious?

[Robin]

Cutesy wasn't what I was going for, but neither was seriousness. I don't think that every piece one makes should be serious, as long as it makes a statement.

Any ideas on how to make it less cutesy?

[Ramona]

I dunno, I'd try to change the structure of it, because I think the combination of the format and the simple rhymes make is seem cutesy. However, I can't see how you could change the strucutre but still keep teh majority of the poem intact.

[Robin]

Maybe I'll just keep it the way it is.

You're right: it's too cutesy, but I couldn't change it to make it more serious without damaging the integrity of it.

I'll just stick to free verse and keep this one up my sleeve to insert in a story or something. I don't know.

It's kind of a lost cause, because I'm absolutly incapable of editing this without injuring the poem.

[Ramona]

Yes, that's what I meant. I agree.