What happened to the fairytale?

[kurai]

'Kay. At the moment I'm not sure if it should be a poem or song ('cause I don't know what the tune would be) but here it is anyways.

He was the star of the show
She hid in the background
We always said that opposites attract
You said love would never be found

Puppy love held them high
Too young to see
Never had time to pause or rewind
Like a scratched cd.

Fast forward it all
She left the slippers for combat boots
He left the velvet for soccer,
Thinking they could keep their roots

What happened to the fairytale?
There's a Cinderella stranded at the ball,
Standing with a broken slipper.
Where's her Prince Charming ?
Now she wished she'd whispered,
What happened to the fairytale?

He followed the crowds
She strayed from the sidewalk
Who ever figured what they became
An Emo girl and handsome jock

Love was gone from their lives
Butterflies never flew
Left behind in the lost and found
Theirs hearts never grew

They stand at the stone tower
Wishing they could rewind
But the VCR’s broken
So they leave it behind

What happened to the fairytale?
There's a Cinderella stranded at the ball,
Standing with a broken slipper.
Where's her Prince Charming ?
Now she wished she'd whispered,
What happened to the fairytale?

And what happened to him and her?
As for Cinderella and her prince,
I guess the fact we’ll never know
Why they let go since

We hear the tales of love,
Why can’t life be like those?
So hold on tight to your life,
Knowing it's a cliched prose

Where’s her prince charming?
Why's she stranded on the steps?
How's Cinderella’s glass slipper broken?
What happened to the fairytale?
Now she wished she’d spoken,
What happened to the fairytale?

[Robin]

"But they said love would never be found"

This is a forced rhyme. When you have to rearrange a phrase in an unconventional way to make it rhyme, you know it's forced. Just for future writing.

"They thought it all was guaranteed"

Guaranteed and see don't rhyme.

"Oblivious to the cries and hoots"

That just doesn't fit into the poem. It's a pretty forced rhyme, too.

"Where’s her prince charming?
Why’s Cinderella’s glass slipper broken?
What happened to the fairytale?
Now she wished she’d spoken,
What happened to the fairytale?"

That's not a very strong chorus type thing. I think choruses should either be very strong and poetic, or very catchy. Elton John wouldn't have had a hit in Ballad of the Boy in the Red Shoes without the irresistible "shave off the years now, it's all inside my head. The boy in the red shoes is dancing by my bed//Put them in a box somewhere, put them in a drawer//Take my red shoes, I can't wear them anymore" chorus.

:Both forgot to speak their mind
An emo girl and handsome jock"

It doesn't connect. It feels too blunt.

"Their now closed minds cluttered"

How are they cluttered if everything is in the Lost and Found...? It doesn't really fit together, and it makes it seem like you crammed that in there to make it rhyme.

"Him and her knew they couldn’t complain"

Do you say uh-gayne? I thought that again was pronounced uh-gen. It doesn't really rhyme when it's spoken in most accents.

"The classic love stories linger,
Ariel and Eric,
Pocahontas and John Smith,
It’s so undeniably generic"

This stanza was just like "Uh..and?" It just sems like you crammed it in there just because.

"Reach out and give your love a rose"

Again, forced rhyming.

I think you'd be better off writing free verse, because writing rhyming poems just means you need to have a very good rythm and rhyme scheme, and from what I've read at your work, it's difficult for you to stick to a rhyme/rhythm scheme.

[kurai]

heh heh. Thanks. I never seem to notice these things until someone points it out. Back to the drawing boards. I have to say the Pochahontas thing doesn't fit, you're right.

[cry,crayola.]

all i have to say is that the rhyme is very very forced in places, and robin's already mentioned that. i agree with her on the free verse idea too. it's so much eaiser and more expressive, because you're less restricted to having rhymes and a set pattern